Crosspost10

So here’s where my story arc starts this is where I start taking accountability and I am very self aware I can assure you.
this section is about my brother.

We met when we still lived in Kent we were instant friends. He is 9 mos younger than me and 100xs smarter than me. He when we met was also smaller and wore glasses. He like bugs which huh. But we would play making mud pies and actually being kids. I remember at the time we met it was like as long as he was there I was happy. I would see him off and on in the beginning and I think maybe he was a ploy to get me to not put up a fight to move. I think I may have but the move was gradual like we would stay the night then poof there we were and then I don’t think it was exactly the same time we moved in but it was before school started. We were in the same grade. Him and I were inseparable at first. Maybe because we only knew each other and my stepdad just got the house shortly before we moved in. I would get upset when he was gone for the weekends and I would basically just wait til he returned. It got to where I was flat out mean before he would leave. I’m not sure why and I have went over this in my head over and over. My sister was only nice to him when she wanted to be. She would call him names and literally try to make him cry and my dumb ass would join in probably like the shining girls. And I am not sure why I did that either because I genuinely loved him. And really he was better to me than anyone else has ever been. But here I am antagonizing this child with my sister. As I hit that age my arc it’s my first arc I got even worse and I think it was because while I was stagnant and having trouble making friends he was able to make friends we would all hang out together but I think I felt like he was abandoning me by actually living his own life. There was also very obvious differences in the way we were treated. That was not something I held against him. My meanness came from watching him grow and progress in his social circle and for the most part at this time I was being grounded to my room more often than not. I did things with my friends after I turned 11 because I had my first best friend that gave me an escape and a lifeline but the meanness I showed my brother was because I didn’t really want to see him leave and go with his friends I was possessive as a sister and I was suffocating. But to me he was the safe person for me to be mean to because he always gave me that friendship. And it was like his acceptance made me worse I think. The meaner I was to him he seemed to still give me the kindness that nobody else did. He would spend hours playing video games mainly I think because I like to watch him play. I used to make him do my homework for me and still was mean. I was a come here go away come here go away type of kid and oddly enough as an adult too. I am someone that has the ability to draw someone in but once I get them I don’t want them anymore. With my brother it was like we didn’t have the option of go away so he maybe knew there was not a way for him to actually fully get away. I’m not sure but I know that people I really do like even my friends it has been a push pull or pull push. I’m a lot sometimes as we became teenagers and he was more social we kind of drifted and for some reason I just stopped trying to pull. Even as a sister the one person who genuinely gave me that unconditional love I stopped I stopped contacting and I just stopped existing to him. I think maybe it was the betrayal maybe I felt he didn’t act that way. That was in my head. But I full accept my responsibility for this part of my life. We were definitely traumatized with that same behavior but he bloomed while I stayed stuck. But I can assure you this is not my only accountability section but I do know that was me because all that my brother ever did was be nice to me. And here I was taking everything out on him.