Crosspost 11

So I specifically ended my relationship with my sister at coffeen drive because there was two different versions of how I was treated by her and the change started happening after we moved in with our stepfather. This is also a trigger warning section too. Because there are things that most likely will need them.

After we moved in with our stepfather at first it went kind of normal to where we would play. She was just starting middle school as we were in grade school. She was making friends and building those types of friendships. But she also was subjected to the almost nightly bullying sessions. For her she just sat there in freeze mode. But then afterward it was like she would tell me I just needed to be quiet sometimes. She I think picked up on some of the way I had been targeted and a lot of the times we my brother and me were made to be outside with her too. We were left with my sister a lot of the time. She would use that time to sometimes torment my brother and me. She became very much a bullying type to my brother and me. And at this time there was no empathy to how she behaved. There was her talking about things that atleast were over my head at that time is when AIDS was just being brought up nonstop and she would tell me basically everything I was doing I was going to contract aids. Sometimes she would want to go to her friends houses on the weekends when my brother was gone and I’d be having to go with her because I was left with her so we’d be out walking around but then I was made to sit in the living room or out on the porch or be wandering around with them all over town. Sometimes they also had younger siblings and I would get to hang out sometimes they had older brothers that when I was there sometimes they were not exactly very appropriate with me. She has male friends also some were not her boyfriends and as we were hanging out they would definitely make comments and things. My sister seemed to want me to know these were her friends and I was basically there because she had to watch me. She also I think let her friends know too. I say this I didn’t outwardly hear her say this but it was the treatment. It was the dismissal of anything I said. I was not a dumb child because of everything up to that point reading cues became a second nature to me it was like a sense and it was like not knowing my place would make me a target for bullying and just being mean. At this time it was like there was a silent competitive competition between us. And it became to where my sister developed a trigger for her anger. It was secretive and usually my brother and me were the ones that got to be the outlet. She was not nice before to me but is shifted after the move and started to show a more violent component. She would have quite a bit of resentment I think for now having to go from having to tote me around while someone was home to having to watch two kids a lot of the time mainly after school and sometimes on the weekends on the weekends it was usually just me. We would still go to my grandmas if there were overnights plans my mom and stepfather had because he was a member of the elks and Masonic temple there was always conventions or some other garbage to make him feel important. There was always ways he had to act like he was better than anybody else I can assure you that was never lost on me and I saw it for what it was… a performance. Anyway my sister I think grew to resent every second of her time she had to spend with my brother and myself. I can not blame her she wanted to be a kid. And she was forced to parent kids she didn’t ask for. She wasn’t good to us and spent a lot of time terrorizing us making us play in the basement then shutting the lights off when we were down the stairs so we couldn’t see to get back up the steps to turn the lights on. Or chasing us with knives around the house. Having us watch scary movies the chasing us around. She also did do things to intentionally get me in trouble because to be honest and I know how homes like ours operated now. She had to make it me to avoid punishment because while our past was scary and even probably traumatic. This house was different because it was higher stakes it was fear of being isolated because I was definitely isolated and I was definitely made an example of why not to speak up. Why not be caught doing things or refusing to do something I was the example. But if it was her that was being obstinate she wasn’t outwardly if it was her complaining she did it when they were not there. She then would take that dynamic of knowing that I was made to be the kid that was in trouble and she used that as a way to keep that focus off of her. That was how she had learned to survive in this toxic shithole we were forced to live in. She also knew I was sensitive to that fear of dying because it was never me keeping it from anyone it’s just she was the only one that actually heard my fears. And then used them to turn me into a kid that absolutely worried nonstop and was always afraid to do anything because I could die from it. Me saying that as an adult kind of hurts because I had all these irrational fears because my parents were not listening and the only person that did took those fears and used them as a weapon to force compliance on me because I could die from anything I did. She I think she saw that as her status. Her place in the home that you constantly were put in a place to have to prove your worth. A place where you had to take abuse from everyone higher up on the chain. A place that for being different or thinking differently than this entire dynamic you were singled out and silenced by threats or some kind of fear mongering. This carried over to how she treated me to my cousins and even my grandparents and they did not fall for the same stories from my sister. They did not let her try to turn me into the monster. And she did see some trouble at their house because there was accountability she wasn’t in a place she was boosted to make me look bad. I think after I had gotten older there were definitely times I may have deserved some of that but when we first moved in the first couple of years I was blindsided by the sheer and utter disregard for not only my feelings but my brothers. And the fact you had to be so complacent to be considered worthy in that home that it turned siblings into competitors. I literally would not even play the game. I would not throw my siblings under. I was mean to my stepbrother but intentionally making him look bad no. I did get to that point after I think that arc I started to get in the mindset where this was my life and I had to be taking all this crap and I was miserable. That arc that was that Mark I turned 11 that was also the first time I attempted to self remove myself from life if you know what I mean and that will be the next section.