Crosspost 12

I say my story had an arc at around 11 because it did. And trigger warning I’m not again sure what will come up. These are like downloads that as I’m going back in my memory it is me seeing the whole picture and having to decide what needs to be public and what will get that point across without totally going overboard and causing trauma every one reading does not need. I understand it’s not pleasant and I understand others have had similar experiences. But to me I’m done staying quiet and gently trying to get me to stop I’m not which is why most of these have a warning right before the parts that need them. Every single one it’s a warning to those that may be reading them and seeing stuff they are not ready to face. Or a warning to people that saw it knew it was happening and chose to ignore it so if that’s you and you have some guilt know I never blamed anybody else I never once thought anyone else even had the ability to do anything about it. But for the love of everything I have in me I will not stop until I get to where I feel the story can end. It’s not me driving it as I said. It’s a flood of memories that decided this was the time I guess. And I know I could just write it down and throw it away or whatever psychologist suggest but where the hell is the accountability for that? Where is the voice for someone that was silenced.
Anyway my arc. And this is where I had this break I think. So this was the time around when I was 11 I had so much stress as an 11 year old I was put on some kind of nerve pill I do not remember what it was. But in jr high I had to be put on something at that time to stop from begging to stay home from school. I still thought I was dying all the time and literally thought I was going to at school and it was kind of where going to school was scarier than being at home. Make that make sense after all of everything I said here. It was also a time we were just left a lot at home my sister at this point was staying away and doing more with her friends and was barely around my brother and I were left alone quite a bit he would hang out with his friends sometimes we had friends that would be there together and we would all hang out. We just were being kids trying to learn how to be people. There was always the expectation of a 6pm dinner time to which my mother is still expected to adhere to apparently no matter what unless she’s working or has plans I guess. And it was still at these dinners this man chose to be picking at us and bringing up our school work or grades but I mean it was like such a normal production it had at this time just became smoke and was less effective because we started seeing other homes and how absolutely absurd it really was to have this dynamic and I think he realized that he was seeing a shift in even how his own son most likely saw him as a tyrant that some of it stopped and he really had to be drunk drunk to start really being a bully at this point. But this is where I saw the time to make him see how his treatment up to that point had really turned me against not only him but I believe at that point it was everyone. I think this is where I turned that feeling of unworthiness outward and I literally became someone I did not even like. I started just being mean out of nowhere. I started being outwardly defiant and reactive and just so aggressive and bossy and I turned into the one thing I hated. I turned into the bully. I made mean comments to people I was judgemental I went from being timid and shy to an outright beast I turned in to someone that took exery ounce of meanness and I turned it into a weapon. A weapon against my sister a weapon against my brother a weapon against even my parents. I got to where even though I didn’t want to see it in myself I saw it. I saw how I would be mean. I saw how I could be cruel and instead of enjoying this new power I found this way to get people to back off and back down I turned that into so much internal grief and self loathing and just utter disappointment in how I had to behave to be seen I ended up taking the whole bottle of those nerve pills to just end it. To just let go. But I guess that wasn’t my ending and I guess I had to just keep going. Did I get caught and rescued and rushed to the hospital?? No no I didn’t for some reason I just slept then ended up waking up angry and sad. But I woke up knowing I had power if I wanted to use it but I also I think decided it was going to be more strategic and more focused on where it’s deserved.