Diagnosed with ADHD at 9, medicated until 13, life fell apart after — now worried a doctor will dismiss me over past stimulant misuse

28 male 120lbs 5’6” trazodone, smoke occasionally, Philadelphia

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 9 in 2007. I was on Ritalin at first, then in 2010 concerta, and was put on other medications that I cannot remember the timeline for exactly, but I know I was on focalin, adderall, vyvance, stratera. In 2013 I stopped taking my medication, and my life just plummeted. I started skipping class, failing out of school, smoking, rude to people, anger outbursts, suicidal threats.

In 2016, graduated high school and barely passed, and didn’t get into college. 2017, everyone else I knew was in college and I was so angry everyone was moving on, so I lashed out at everyone, burnt every bridge I had with anyone, and engaged in substance abuse for the next 9 years.

2021, saw a nurse practitioner, who incorrectly diagnosed me as bipolar and also made it clear she does not prescribe stimulants. I was naive at the time, so I didn’t understand the pandemic made a lot of people abuse telehealth and stimulant prescription requests. So I rolled with the punches and accepted the incorrect diagnosis. I was put on depakote, Lamictal, and plenty of SSRI’s that didn’t work.

Later in 2021, I started to get stimulants myself since my NP wouldn’t prescribe them to me so I could perform academically in college. Then I started to develop this porn + stimulant addiction due to the off label misuse.

And then, I thought of myself as an “addict” so I didn’t dare going to a doctor to ask for stimulants because I carried immense shame with me.

But from 2021-2026, I’ve been struggling with anger, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, suicidal thoughts, and am realizing now that this is most likely just unmedicated ADHD symptoms.

So I have an appointment July 15th with my PCP (who I saw in 2023 and told him about the stimulant abuse), so I’m hoping he can hear everything and work with me for a controlled/monitored Rx of a stimulant to treat the ADHD.

I’m not looking to get high. If I was, wouldn’t I just buy something off the street? I want to become a nurse, do my ABSN and prerequisites. I just have a hard time not thinking about the past decade, and how my 20’s have been a shit show. It’s hard to be motivated currently without ruminating. That’s all. I just don’t wanna think about killing myself every 60 minute interval of my life.

Thanks for reading. Let me know your honest opinion.