My Journey of quitting Porn (Day 13)

So far, journaling for keeping focus was a great idea.

Every time when I get numbed my the urge to watch porn, I return to this forum and read my posts and your answers. It clears my mind a bit. Enough to reconsider when I am close to relapse.

Often in the past, I tricked myself by using a nsfw chatbot like grok for dirty talk. This way, I was not directly watching porn, but it had the same effect. So in the end, I tried to convince me, that using a chatbot is cleaner and safer than watching porn. But deep down I know, how I am bullshitting myself with that.

In the end, I will jerk off to my phone, which is the same dopamine mind numbing experience. And what's even worse, is the fact, how reading text porn is directing me straight to watching regular porn. Always. Every single time.

So I have to face it. I cannot deceive me any longer by rating how bad the drug is. Because a drug has always the purpose to make yourself unaware of your suffering. So you can feel lightly for a short time. But in reality, it is part of the reason why I want to numb myself.