I’m not sure if i’m asexual, or just traumatised from past experiences (TW for SA/rape mentions)

If this kind of post isn’t allowed, please redirect me to another subreddit.

I’ve been identifying as demiromantic and asexual for years now. I’m 18.

I’ve been sexually assaulted twice in my life, once was COCSA, the other i was 14. Technically still COCSA, but he was old enough to understand what he was doing.

I think i was also raped as an infant/toddler, but i genuinely don’t know. I have no way of confirming this except fuzzy memory.

The thought of sex has always made me deeply uncomfortable, i never had felt attraction to anyone at all. But the thought makes me feel a type of discomfort similar to how i felt after being assaulted. It’s a disgusting, dirty feeling and i hate it.

I’ve been in a relationship for three years now, my boyfriend is demisexual. I feel completely safe and comfortable around him, i don’t feel this way around anyone else. I am a virgin, and recently i’ve been feeling like i want to have sex.

I thought maybe demisexual might be what i am, but the thought of having sex still brings up that horrible feeling of terror and disgust.

I’m not really disgusted by the act of sex, more the fact about being touched by another person. I don’t really know how to put it into words.

It’s a thing i want, i want to experience it and i do want to be touched, but even just typing this and thinking about it is making me panic.

I genuinely don’t know if i am asexual or just still working through my trauma. It comes in waves and it’s been hitting me so hard recently.

If i discover that i’m not asexual, id feel awful. Like ive been lying for years, especially to my boyfriend. I don’t want this to cloud my judgement though, which is why im coming here for more input.

I can’t see an actual therapist, i’m hoping someone here can help offer any advice.
Thank you for reading.