Anybody else feel like they dont have autism even when diagnosed? any tips?

Note cleaned by chatgpt since it was even bigger mess before hand

And really sorry if this isnt allowed here btw

## 1. Diagnosis / Feeling “In Between”

Like I’m 16M, I have been diagnosed like 6–8 years back. I don’t have severe autism, for lack of a better word, but I feel like I don’t have it or barely pass enough to be diagnosed with autism. Like, I absolutely hate, for example, being 0.0001% enough to be on the spectrum. Like I want to either be on the spectrum or not, not some middle ground, however stupid it may sound. it feels like its not bad enough to coutn if you get me (i have this alot in general i also have it with mentalstruggles).

And idk, are the following things traits?

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## 2. Movements / Body Positioning

I don’t think it’s a stim, but I leg bounce a lot when sitting, or when I’m standing and idk what to do, arms behind my back and one hand grabbing my underarm on the other arm, or leaning back and forth, or pacing in a short area.

And in general, idk what to do with my arms when standing. Like I mentioned, I take my arm with my hand behind my back or whatever, or I put them in my pockets because idk why, walking with my arms beside my body feels so weird. It just feels wrong, just wrong, I can’t explain it.

Or when I’m really excited or something funny happens, I do this rarely, like maybe a few times in a month, less than 10x, probably more like 7x maybe tops, or maybe I do it more but don’t notice it, but I do both my legs/feet back and forth in rapid movements, kinda like some people do with their hands.

Or well, maybe I have a slight thing with my arms/hands. I like to turn them inwards so my fingers face me and then kinda T-Rex/flappy or bent down or whatever you call it, and then lean my mouth and nose against the lower part of the fingers, the finger part directly connected to the hand. And I like bent hands when I’m laying in bed, like just really close and curled to me, even when they are around a stuffed animal. I usually have one free. I sleep on my side, so one goes over the stuffed animal and the one I sleep on, so to speak, I pull close and like to bend or lay on or whatever.

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## 3. Nails / Toes / Physical Feelings

Also maybe that I have a feeling I always need to run my nails under each other or my teeth under my nails, or sometimes idk, I feel like I NEED to put my toes between each other to create a bit of space, or at like the bottom part between my toes touching, idk. I like that, like the U-shape thingy and all the way between my toes.

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## 4. Social Stuff / Family Gatherings

I’m fine with family and the few friends/people I know, but I’m not really good with strangers. Like I wouldn’t ask someone on the street something quickly besides maybe if it’s about what time it is, which isn’t necessary anymore since I have a phone these days and I’m not 6–8 anymore with a rough time of needing to be back home if I come outside anyway, which I don’t really tbh, mostly just in my room.

On my aunt’s birthday from my side, then the husband of my aunt’s family (I think is the way to explain it), like idk, I’m not the best at that stuff. I don’t really know them at all, seen them a handful of times in my life, and I don’t like being downstairs the whole time. On my own birthday I’m kinda like alright, I have been here 2–3 hours, you have seen me and bye, I’m retreating to my room, which never has lights on besides the light coming from my PC and monitors and maybe the slight bit of light that passes through the curtains.

Although these days the birthday part and random people part is going a bit better with just being downstairs the whole day on my birthday, but I still prefer my room. Like recently I went to my uncle’s birthday from 7 PM till 12 PM and it was fun, you know, and ofc there were also some of the few classic controversial statements about politics etc.

But there weren’t many people: my parents and I, an uncle and aunt of mine, then the uncle whose birthday it was, and a friend from that uncle. I have seen him before but not a lot, but I got comfortable with him being there quite fast.

and like i have a few online friends and only a few irl ones but one thing i notice i overthink friendship ALOT since i basiclly have 1 close one and 2 more loose ones so to speak and thats about it irl i go like

does he still want to be friends or is he kinda im balls deep and cant retreat?

why dont we text alot (i dont like texting it feels cold but for some reason i still had that)

well i both asked these things to him he said he just needs alot of time for himself (he also is probally autistic more on the spectrum then me probally and other stuff) and he said he doesnt see why we wouldnt be friends

we both also dont go to school we go to a different place to gain rythm eventaully go back to school or work or anything else its a long story

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## 5. Stuffed Animals / Sleeping Comfort

And I always feel the need or want of needing something like a stuffed animal against my back, and I always want my legs and arms wrapped around one when trying to sleep or laying in bed, so I usually have 2 in bed: one against my back and one I wrap my arm around, and I also like to twist my leg around it and then pull that leg up.

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## 6. Crowds / Overstimulation

And for crowds etc, I can tolerate it. Like you have Koningsmarkt here in the Netherlands and it was quite crowded, like you walked at a really slow shuffle speed because otherwise you would fully bump into another person in half a second type of slow, but I still don’t like it. I prefer being on my own in my room by a big margin, but it’s not like I have a mental breakdown about it or anything.

Although I used to have it when I was like 10 or in that age range when going to the carnival, I think is the correct translation? When I came home I sometimes started crying slightly or just crying because then I realised how crowded it actually was etc and it all came down, but that never really caused a shutdown or meltdown, just some crying, and I have never been non verbal.

But I don’t have that anymore. Like I can’t remember the last time that happened. I do have a lot of mood swings, but that’s probably puberty and me not being in the best state mentally rn. Or I can cry about silly things maybe idk, I don’t keep track exactly and time moves so fast and slow at the same time.

Besides the moments everybody has when I’m mad or feeling fucked and I’m like “shut the fuck up”.

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## 7. Memory

And I have weird memory. Like I can’t tell what I have eaten yesterday, but I know exactly where I was during the 2022 WC when the Netherlands equalized against Argentina. It was COD MW2 and I know which map and the location on the map with the exact weapon. It was Shoothouse with the P90 grinding for gold camo.

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## 8. DSM-5 / Repetitive Behaviour, Interests, and Sensory Stuff

And looking at DSM-5, specifically section B, I don’t really have repetitive behaviour I guess, like stuff lining up, although I do find it annoying if my mom moves controller positions etc, and I always want my keys to be inside the arch of my 2nd headphones for my phone, and I actually really do not like a set routine or schedule. I prefer not having one most of the time, although I do like to know at what time my mom is always home, nor do I have rituals.

And I don’t really have any big interest. Well I may be kinda into Zelda and Harry Potter. I can spend hours looking at TikToks from Zelda and I can get tears in my eyes from the Ocarina songs in Majora’s Mask or Ocarina of Time for some reason.

And Harry Potter I all read 1x and watched all movies like 6x.

Although sensory-wise I may have something. When I think of Velcro or hear it or see it I get a weird feeling in my upper teeth, kinda uncomfortable and tingling. I’m having it rn as I’m typing this.

But idk if this is all autism related or just me being quirky.

and like isnt the ruitine part basiclly needed to get autism diagnoses?

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## 9. Final Thoughts

And I don’t think it’s denial, like I don’t care, I have autism.

And I think it’s also my brain undermining itself or something, since also when I feel bad mentally, long story, and I can still laugh genuinely while I feel bad, I just laugh really easily, then it goes “oh, the bad feeling must be fake because I can still genuinely laugh”, so it’s fake, that kind of stuff.

Alright, I might have rambled off, sorry for that, and sorry if it’s hard to understand, English ain’t my native language.

any tips on this?