TW (SA AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMA)

I guess I’ve come here because I’m on the waiting list for therapy and I find my mind racing a lot recently, I want to know if there are others out there with similar stories or if someone can tell me whether my mind is making things up on whether I was sA’d as a child.

My mother was mentally ill and left me to be raised by my grandfather who was also mentally ill (she later confessed that her father (my grandfather) had sa’d her as a child but said he would never do this to me because he loved me the most)
My memories of childhood are extremely foggy and gappy but I remember “sex” or sexual feelings from toddler ages. I was probably in between the ages of 2-6 and would rub Velcro from stuffed toys on my privates, I also remember my grandfather dropping me off to a neighbours house where there was a boy years older than me, he would make me kiss him and I can’t remember much about the context but I remember us jumping on his bed? Or bouncing on his bed a lot, I remember the last time I ever went to his house I was wearing a two piece swimming costume under my clothes and I lifted my top up to show his mum (to get attention for some reason) and she looked horrified or upset and I never returned there.

I also have this strange memory that feels out of body where my grandfather was on top of a woman who seemed really young, she looked like my cousin but my cousin denies that it was her, he told me to get a nipple (for a feeder) from the kitchen and I went there and the memory goes blank???

I remember feeling someone’s stubble on my neck and feeling really uncomfortable about it, and then later on fantasising about being graped and tied up/forced to perform acts or have my body “used”

This translated to the ways I treated sex in relationships as I would associate sex with self worth and if someone wasn’t having it with me or not being forceful with me I would identify it as me being not good enough?

I wonder if anyone has any ideas of what it is my brain has blocked out and what could have possibly happened to me.

I also remember being held captive by my brother and trying to do strange things that I’m ashamed of now to get his attention like walking around in underwear or trying to get him to think things about me but the thought of that now disgusts me since I’ve been to therapy before.

I have also had strange dreams of sexual interactions with family members that disgust me upon wakening