Sleep training second baby at 12 months

I sleep trained my first with relative ease. She slept well in the snoo, never needed too many contact naps and besides teething generally slept well. Her grandparents were always amazed I could put her down in the pack and play standing and she would just quietly lay down and fall asleep on her own.

Second baby has absolutely destroyed me. She demanded contact naps through my entire maternity leave but slept great through the night pretty early on in the Snoo. The real trouble started with the crib around 5-6 months. I didn’t have the heart to let her cry and just continued letting her fall asleep in my arms and transfer to the crib. Around 1am she sleeps in my bed, and wakes around 5am. I used to be able to resettle her at 5am by nursing back to sleep.

Now at 12 months separation anxiety is at its absolute peak of course. I suffered a back injury and my husband is recovering from major surgery so holding her for extended periods and sleeping with her has become incredibly painful.

I’ve tried Ferber on and off for months. I know it’s my fault for being weak and inconsistent. I just can’t listen to the cries like I could with #1.

Current schedule is bedtime around 7:30-8:30 depending on last nap length and end time. 1am cries to go to my bed. Up at 5, rocked to sleep, up for the day around 7am. Nap #1 around 10:30 for 2ish hours and nap 2 has become 30/40 mins around 3/4pm.

With the health struggles I mentioned, I’m doing things on my own. Bedtime has turned into a 1-2 hour struggle and some nights she won’t go down until 10/11pm. Night wakings are becoming more frequent. Naptime has become a nightmare because she pops up the second I put her down no matter how drowsy or asleep I get her. She does not have this problem with our lovely nanny.

I’m sitting here listening to her cry for 25 minutes, the last time she cried for an hour straight. Is extinction my best option? Ferber check-ins seem to just make things worse. I feel broken and like I’m failing her and myself. Even her older sister gets stressed listening to the extended crying.