We got married just over 6 years ago after a whirlwind romance. We had trouble from the start: everything from a difficult pregnancy to money troubles to mental health struggles, but we’d managed to build a good life. We own a home, live off of my salary and have two small children.

From the beginning, she’s had problems with what I brought to the table. First, it was that I wasn’t anticipating her needs enough and making her have to ask me for things. So I worked to become better at household chores and having things done before she noticed. Next, it was that my sex drive was too high and I wasn’t being respectful of her non-sexual intimacy needs. So I gave up sex for 4 years and worked to be more supportive and focused on her needs. Then, it was that I wasn’t being a present partner or parent, that I was checked out all the time. So I went to therapy and finally confronted my lifelong struggle with Gender dysphoria. I’ve been transitioning for the past 18 months and have become the primary parent to my children when I’m not working. After that, it was my health and that I wasn’t taking care of myself. So I got more active, started dieting and trying to be better there. And now her issue is that I talk over her. I’ve spent so long anticipating her needs that my brain is auto-completing what she says in an attempt to stay ahead.

It all came to a head last week when she blew up at me for eating too quickly. She asked why I never listen to her. I finally snapped. I told her that all I did was listen to her, all I did was put her first and it never felt like enough for her. It always felt like there was another hoop to jump through. I told her that, at this point, I’m doing everything I can to meet her needs and to improve myself. If, at this point, she’s still not feeling heard, still not feeling supported, we could either go to couples counseling to figure out where the breakdown was happening, or we could call it quits now and focus on being co-parents. She told me that she couldn’t trust me not to talk over her in couple’s counseling.

And that was it. We haven’t discussed it since. But we don’t really speak anymore when it’s not about the kids. There’s no physical contact, no requests to spend time together. And I just feel empty. I’ve spent years trying to be better and it still wasn’t enough. I know I’m probably to blame, but it’s just… lonely.

Dinner is an absolutely enormous ribeye.

My Wife and I have become Roommates