Help?

I messed up

For 2 years I’ve been with this woman, we’ve had our own ups and downs but I knew she had kids and I didn’t think things could be that bad.

The start was pretty rough, every single day at some point I would get told to get out the house, I’d get called a “fucking cunt” or “a fucker” or “dickhead” etc, I get punched and kicked and spat at etc etc.

It did start to get better but there was always something that could trigger things again, whether that be, being told no to an extra 5 minutes of football, being told no to anything really, and the meltdowns started. Punching kicking screaming “get out this house dickhead cunt” kids were 4 & 6.

It all came to a head yesterday, we were on an up down ride - oldest decided it would be a good idea to kick his trainer’s Off at the very top (about 100 feet in the air) which the other copied, in my head those could of hit someone down below, and caused serious damage depending on age / health etc.

I made sure I was the first off the ride and grabbed the trainers, making sure they knew that if they wanted to do something so stupid then they can be without their trainers. Trouble is the oldest kid then runs at me again, and again, and again, kicking, punching, calling me a fucking cunt, he hates me etc etc. he punched me one last time and I simply lashed out, it wasn’t hard, it wasn’t intentional, it was response to what was happening to me, what had been happening for so long. I feel like utter crap, I don’t know which way to turn or what to do, I don’t know how so many of you people do it. But yeah, I made a mistake, I own it, I tried my hardest, taking them to school, taking them out, taking them to the park etc etc, but one mistake on your end as any form of step and it’s all over, done.

What am I supposed to do or where am I supposed to go from Here?