manic depression for more than 20years

several years i tried to end everything, i even think of jumping from our balcony, go to hotel to jump, use a telephone cord to hang myself and even use a plastic bag to suffocate myself. nobody knows how hard depression is until it happens to you. eventually i met my husband, he is also someone who has depression, ended up everything, and now i ended up the one who still lives..

right now after 10 years, i have to admit i have a good life inspite of being a widow. i have good job, decent pay, and bought a house. being widow is hard seriously and i admit i cried almost each day, the loneliness, the longing is hard...

especially our company are having massive layoffs since last february till now, i sometimes felt depressive again not knowing how long i can still hold my job and no backflow for now.

well, i guess life will opens a window when one door closes. i always have a fear that what if i commited s
will i still meet my husband again?

i have quitted lexapro for several years, when things have been so hard and roller coster i drink myself to sleep. thats the only way to make me survive each day without sideeffects like chills, nausea and vomiting.