Often feeling like my experiences aren't so bad

Whenever I see someone make a post like this, the details are always actually pretty rough. But mine really aren't. Idek if my mom would count as a narcissist, though my therapist seems to think so.

My dad is a textbook narc. I haven't seen him in 16 years even though he lives in the same town as my mom. My mom left him bc she was worried he would kill her when we were very young. I know HE is bad.

My mom is more complex. She was extremely neglected as a child by her parents. Her siblings hated her. She was the scapegoat with her dad, and then her mom neglected all of them. She was thrown out on her 18th birthday, and lived with boyfriends in her early adult years. Her dad spit in her face when she tried to confront him for how he raised her.

I add that bc I think it's important to know my mom has done WORLDS better than her upbringing. And I know she wanted to be a parent for us that she never had. And in a lot of ways, she did. We were never homeless. Always had food. I called her when I started my period (yay for getting me a cell phone just in time). I talked back to her a TON, which is notable that I felt safe enough to do so, bc I was terrified of my grandma (her mom), who wasn't allowed to hit us but said some deeply cutting remarks.

All that said, my mom did some enmeshment. She doesn't have a personality really of her own, but she gets upset if I respond to something differently than she thinks I should. This is most explosive and aggressive in politics, but it's pretty true about everything. I've always catered to caretake my mom's emotions. I remember doing this as a teenager and now in my 30s. My younger brother has never taken this role, and often has lied to my mom and taken advantage of things bc he knows he can get away with it. Like he'll borrow money and not pay it back even though she's struggling financially.

Recently, my mom gave me a planner she kept when I was a baby that she planned to always give me. It was supposed to track my milestones. Instead it mostly tracked depressing things in her life - her cat ran away, I had a lot of health issues and she was scared, and most bothersome to me, at one point she said her feelings were hurt bc I wanted daddy more than mommy. Which is a bizarre thing to share with a baby.

It's not the worst journal, but it really affirmed that I've always been expected to regulate my mom's emotions, even when I was a baby.

Sometimes my mom did a good job with helping me through things though. She was pretty good until I was preteen/teenager age, although she did often complain, even when I was little, that I wasn't a "good little girl" like I was when I was 4 bc I started fighting with my little brother a lot when I started kindergarten, and it "hurt her" to see me be so mean to him when we used to be best friends. It's unclear if my brother ever was hurt by this- probably I guess? But this is a pattern of my mom. She projects how she'd feel into one of us, then tells the other how mean we are for hurting the other's feelings. This triangulation and enmeshment created issues between us.

I have told my mom to stop talking to me about my brother entirely. I don't want to know their fights or ways he's taken advantage of her. I tried to help her set boundaries but she either refused to set them, or caved when he pushed back. Not my problem. Fine.

None of that behavior is evil though. But due to the political differences, I've had to stop talking to my mom and brother for about 9-10 months. The stuff they said the day a certain podcaster was murdered was honestly so terrifying that I realized my family would choose their ideology before me even if my life was at risk. They said I was violent, hated them, and wanted to kill them solely because I am not part of their party, and "all" people who don't support our current leader hate them and want to murder them. This scared me bc I am part of 2 vulnerable classes of people, and my SIL is the type of person who likes to report people. I was scared that if our admin ever took reports on people like me, my family could be turned against me. I never fully thought that before their reaction to the murder. Now I know they would bc they see me as a killer, even though I've done so much for them and helped them with so many things.

I didn't intend to say NC forever, but I am beginning to realize so many subtle ways my mom manipulated me (and my brother, but I took things in a lot more). I don't think she meant to, and I think it was her own insecurity. I don't think she critically thinks about things, or has the emotional intelligence to purposely manipulate people (the way my dad or maternal grandma do).

But she still hurt me and can't seem to take accountability. For example, she can't remember one of the times she said that I want to kill her. I remember it very well bc it was shocking. She had said all people in my registered political party want to murder her personally. I said "even me?" and she paused and then said "yes". She now claims she never said that. I know that's classic DARVO, but I do believe she doesn't remember. She doesn't remember most of her childhood or life- I think her trauma response is for her body to automatically erase memories of anything that makes her feel bad or complicated.

I remember her apologizing to me once or two as a kid, so she isn't incapable of apologizing. Or maybe she wasn't then, and now she's gotten worse. Or maybe bc it's about bigger things. She was able to apologize for mistakes or misunderstands she made. But she never apologized if she actually did something wrong. Idk if it matters to separate the difference.

I think my mom prob has multiple things. AuDHD and also trauma and also other stuff. My therapist has pointed out how much I've worked to understand her, but she's never done the same in return.

My therapist also mentioned that if I begin contact with my mom again, I need to set my own expectations with myself for who she really is and has shown me to be, not what I think she could be if she grew emotionally. I really do think my mom would be an amazing person and advocate if she was able to critically think and gained some emotional intelligence. I don't think she means to be mean. Other people who even supported me going NC feel the same and agree with me about that. They agree my mom is both a victim and also that she done so much harm that I needed to go NC (they prob also think I need to let go). But she reality is that she has been mean, and she is an adult who isn't willing to actually change it.

I have tried all kinds of things to help her critically think or have more emotional intelligence. I did all the things. But she either gets triggered or, if she makes gains, she reverts back.

I had one therapist once who said me trying to change my mom was equal to her trying to change me. We both think we know best. I get what she meant but don't think it's fair. But I know I do need to let go of that. I just wish I didn't have to.

Does anyone else have someone in their life who looks more like this than a traditional manipulative narc? Does the difference even matter when it comes to the relationship you have? I just feel so BAD for my mom when something hurts her feelings. I know I was conditioned to feel that way lol, but it's still real. Her feelings really are hurt. But I guess I should also remember that won't last with her memory loss lol. She'll be fine in an hour. (I know I should really remember that it isn't my responsibility, but it helps knowing other reasons.)