Reflection

I still want to reach out and honestly I’m not even sure why I would still want to. you have made it evident that you don’t want to hear from me. I replay the things you said “all your dreams turn out bad or something is always wrong” and telling me “I am like Godzilla.” Telling me you have locked me in a box deep down, compartmentalizing me so you don’t have to think about me. The more I reflect, I see it more clearly. All the words I didn’t hear for exactly what they were, because I was so focused on what I wanted them to be. It is pathetic, I truly believed we loved each other, but in reality I was just being used. And I guess I was using you too just in a different way. I try not to be mad at myself for having invested so much of myself in you. I try to tell myself my heart was pure and not sit in the self shame of how delusional I was to call that love. You chose everything and everyone over me. And then put the blame on me, saying I left. I wanted to believe our love was stronger than it all but I don’t think I wanted to accept all the signs that this was never love. You got what you wanted and with it, I lost a part of me I will never get back. I think that’s why I still want to reach out, because that truth is hard to stomach and somehow banging my head against a slammed shut door feels easier than to accept that I was stupid enough to believe it was real, when it wasn’t.