I’m at the end of my rope and I’m not sure what to do.

Really hoping for guidance right now. I have been spiraling down since my hsv-2 diagnosis a month ago. I feel so disgusting and ashamed of myself. I can’t put this feeling away. Ever since contracting it I have been an emotional mess/ crying. Before I would actually say I was pretty emotionless. I know this is a side effect of hsv. It feels like everything is hitting me in my life.

I have no friends/ no community. I try going to gay bars but I just end up staring into space for a few hours and feel like im just embarrassing myself. I can’t initiate a conversation and if I do (rarely) it doesn’t go well or its with someone double my age. I leave the bar feeling like everyone hates me for being drudy (I didnt talk to anyone but the bartender). I would like to focus on making gay friends as I feel girl friends disappear when they find their person and settle.

I come from a very unaccepting family who mourns me for being gay. Theres still love so cutting them off isnt what I want to do but talking to them without hearing how everyone else is married with kids or I’m going to hell would be nice but unrealistic. I also am overworked and underpaid at my job and live pay check to pay check so cant even dive into materialistic things.

I have spent the last year diving into self help/ rewiring the brain for a positive outlook but I cant help but feel like Im always pretending im okay when Im not. I’ve called hotlines and leave the worst than I entered. I miss my ex. I think about reaching out every day. Even though we ended the relationship in love. The way I navigated my homophobic parents ended up being too much and he moved away when I didn’t let him move in. But its been 2 years I have enough respect for him to not. I miss having my rock. And I’m probably on the spectrum. I need professional help and am trying to find a psychiatrist. I have been postponing psychiatric care because I felt like it hasn’t help me before. But its clear I don’t have things under control. The only thing that helped me was adderall but I stopped taking it when I lost 40lbs because I care more about gym goals than my mental health I guess. I’m tired of waking up and I’m tired of fighting myself... How can I get back up?