Can’t believe I was in denial about being an addict for 14 years.

I started smoking when I was 18 and it began with just the occasional doob at a friend’s house or at party but in about 3 or 4 months I turned into every single day. I’m 32 today and I feel like the last 14 years have just been a haze. I screwed up so many things over those years. Work and relationships mainly. I was always called a flake by my friends and I used to find it funny and never actually think another it. The truth is I was so hell bent on getting home, smoking that joint and relaxing that I prioritised it over every single thing in life. I’d come home high most evenings and could never even spend time with my parents because I was so paranoid about my eyes being red and then finding out I’m high. I never ever faced whatever difficulties I went through these last 14 years. I was never able to sit with an uncomfortable feeling or actually process difficult thoughts. My memory was shot to absolute pieces. Anyway I can go and on about how it fucked my life in a million ways and the worst part of it all was that I genuinely was in complete denial about how addicted I was.

Fast forward to today. I’m 12 days Sober. It’s been an insane 12 days tbh. I lost my appetite during the first week and felt nauseous everytime I ate something. Couldn’t sleep for shit and would just be lying awake in bed not knowing what to do with myself. I’ve started working out again and I can feel my appetite coming back too. It’s still not easy and those years and years of abuse are showing up in strange ways still. My blood sugar randomly drops post 2 pm and I feel absolutely exhausted all of a sudden. I’m hoping that changes soon. The universe has shown me enough signs in the last 12 days though. Enough signs to tell me that I’m definitely on the right path and I can never go back to smoking like I used to and who knows maybe never smoking again. Just typing that out is still scary to me because I loved it so much but I feel like I abused it to the point where I’ve quite simply just lost that privilege.

The last 12 days have really put so much into perspective for me and I hope I can be an inspiration to people who are struggling or in denial about this addiction. All I can say is that once you actually decide you want to quite for you own good you’ll be surprised as to how much strength you truly have within you and I promise if you stick to it the universe will continue to show you a lot of positive signs.