i recently went through a breakup. it's only been two weeks and I feel miserable. He was my first boyfriend and we met two years ago. We had been dating for 1.5 years when some months ago we started fighting. Many times we had fought and one of us talked about breaking up, but ultimately we got back together each time. this situation had happened 3-4 times. Around 2 months ago, he started 11th grade and i started my 12th. we're both 17. Ever since his school started he was very eager to learn new stuff and work in the gym extra hard. I was supportive of this. He started working in the organizing committee of his school's mun when it all started feeling strange. He was too busy and i kept asking for at least 1 hour of his day so we could talk and know the updates. Unfortunately that did not happen. One of us was busy the whole time which kind of led me to feel very distant and lonely. I wondered if it was my overthinking or we were actually drifting apart. He invited me to come to his mun but i refused since I had academic priorities. I kind of got mad at him because he couldn't give him any of his time to me. even a text would have been fine but somehow I was asking for too much. i stopped texting because I was angry and he didn't reach out either. it was on his sister's ig that i found a picture of him in the background surrounded by a group of girls. i got angry and he said I was overthinking and he was right there with the rest of his friends in front of him (which i couldn't make out from the picture clearly). i have never doubted his loyalty and he's never looked or talked to any girl without telling me. 

after this we fought and decided we should take a break for two months. he blocked me, i blocked him. i accepted 5-6 requests from guys on my Instagram ( we both had each other's instas and he didn't allow me to have guys on my acc, was jealous) 2-3 days later, i go to a friend's sister's birthday party, (shes 4-5 years older) to cheer myself up a bit after this. i sent a snap in which we were having dinner together and in that snap, the Birthday girl's boyfriend was somehow in the frame. he started texting me on snap, he said I'm having fun without him, im happy without him and I'm happy with other men. i said it's nothing like that. we talked and ultimately i melted when he said he doesn't wanna live without me and he misses me. we got back together. after this, things started getting better. we started flirting more and it was fun. we were hanging out one day without our parents knowing when he lost the car keys at the ice cream shop. When he finally found the keys, i said that this shouldn't repeat again. i told him " be a man". I admit that it was bad thing to say and immediately said I'm sorry, but the words had got him and he stayed silent after that. a few weeks later he tells me he wants to go on a trip with his friends ( i had been asking him to hangout w me and he kept declining) and he says he's asking his parents. that night, he was with his friends when my parents fought and I had a panic attack. i kept texting him, calling him, he didn't pick up or see my texts. When he returned he said he was with his friends parents, and he wasn't in a situation to check his phone. that hurt me. the one person i love and needed desperately didn't think to check what his constant notifications are about. he didn't say sorry and just started acting like everything was normal the next morning. he packed and left with his friends early 6am. i was hurt, and i didn't wanna text him, but i eventually called him during the afternoon and he said he wouldn't be able to call as 'theres no place'. all his friends knew that we were dating. he could have easily gone outside the room ( they had 4 rooms) or even in the hallway. after that, they went out, had dinner, shopped, had fun while i cried in my room begging, waiting for a text from him. i eventually realised he's doing this by choice. I couldn't let myself get treated like this anymore. i texted him that we need to talk and i gave him time till 10 pm to return back to his room and have a conversation. he said it's too early and he probably won't be able to make it. i later texted that we should breakup. 

things happened and we texted, he called me manipulative, mean, and said that he now realised his worth. he said i followed guys the moment he left and he still forgave me, while he believed I hadn't forgiven him for the whole surrounded by girls picture. 

we broke up. we kept texting 2-3 days alternately ( mostly me) trying to change or improve the situation but it didn't help. he said he needs to go and he's breaking up with me for me, so I can be happy. i miss him so much and no matter what i do it's really hard to move on. we were very close and i never wanted to break up. we literally broke up on text and no matter how much I asked he didn't wanna meet me irl ( said his family won't allow). a few days ago he sent me back my scarf, my tshirt and a bracelet I made with morse code. he said his family doesn't want him to keep my things, and he managed to convince them to keep the handmade things. it really broke my heart and it hurts as hell. especially when i saw the bracelet. i couldn't help but return his sweater which he gave to me on 3rd december.

i couldn't help but call him today, and its probably the last time I texted him. i told him how I've been feeling recently, how I've been treating myself and no matter what it just keeps getting harder. that i feel like cutting all contact from him is the only way I can push myself to move on. he said " im sorry, i hope you take care of yourself. i really care about you".  i asked if that's all he wanted to say after my long paragraphs. he said " i can't say more" and i said that I was the only desperate one. i texted for a bit and when i saw he wasn't opening my texts, i texted him goodbye and blocked him.

idk what to do. this is fucking hard. i shouldn't have gotten so addicted to him, it hurts to feel so unwanted. i used to be so happy, i feel shameful to let myself be this way.

I don't know what to do with myself, please help.