Did my first experience shape me into who I am now?

When I was in 9th grade, a male neighbor and I watched porn together regularly for about a year. One time, he started poking my hard-on with his finger, commented on it, and asked to see it. I was caught off guard, but also felt excited and nervous. I said yes, and he jerked me off to completion. We did that a few more times, but I eventually started feeling awkward and lost interest.

I more or less forgot about that for about 10 years, during which I had several girlfriends. Then, in my 20s, I overheard a conversation about Craigslist hookups. The next day I looked at the ads and felt strongly aroused by posts from men offering blowjobs and gloryholes. That weekend, while my parents were out of town, I posted an ad, set up a sheet as a gloryhole, and a guy came over and gave me a blowjob. It was physically the best orgasm I’ve had—likely because of the novelty and risk, plus the deep-throat technique.

Now I’m married to a woman, whom I love. But I still occasionally seek out discreet blowjobs with men. During those encounters I feel fully present and enjoy it. Afterwards, I return to normal life easily—no emotional attachment, no risk of exposure. I don’t feel acute distress in the moment, but I do carry some guilt.

My main question: Is my current pattern rooted in that early 9th-grade experience?

I also enjoy hearing about others first experiences.