People see me differently now, but I still feel the same

People see me differently now, but I still see myself the old way

\​

Growing up, I was a really cute kid. I was also very short, which honestly added to the cuteness. I was literally the shortest kid in every class, shorter than all the girls, every year except maybe one, when there was another short guy. But he was macho and made up for it by playing a lot of sports.

I was super cute, skinny, small, and Asian. Then puberty hit, and everyone became taller. Of course I grew too, but I was still so small. I was only a little above what could be classified as a little person. But that was not all. My features became weird. Obviously, most people go through an awkward phase during puberty, but I genuinely became super ugly. I was not the cute short kid anymore.

One time, a friend of my brother’s looked at me when I was 15 and said, “Why is he so ugly?” I still remember that so clearly, despite having a poor memory.

The thing is, I was actually content with my height. Of course, I tried to drink a lot of milk and do exercises to become taller, but it was not something that damaged my mental health. My face was. My skin was. My features were what bothered me.

At 15, 16, 17, 18, people were leaving their awkward phases, and I did too, in a way. I became less ugly, but I was still around 155 cm, a guy living in a Western country. I had a girlfriend when I was 12, but that lasted three weeks. Other than that, I was never really desired romantically or sexually. And although I was not exactly sad about it, because I had a lot of other problems, I was aware of it.

Then at 20, something happened. I grew. I always say it was my second or third puberty. I did not even notice it until I met up with a few friends from high school, and they said I had grown. I was taller than some of the guys now, let alone the girls, the same girls I had grown up literally looking up to. Some people thought I had taken HGH or had limb-lengthening surgery. I had not done any of that.

But anyway, combined with me taking care of myself, looking after my skin, exercising, dancing, and skiing, I became very attractive. And now, with my increased height, I have been told I am a solid 8 or 9 out of 10.

But because I lived my life the way I did for so long, I still cannot shake the feeling of always being insecure, shy, and scared. I literally run away from dates. I ghost potential partners. Even now, I have never asked anyone out first. I have had five relationships, but all of them happened because they told me first or pursued me first.

I am still so afraid of being rejected, of being unlovable, unfuckable, and unattractive. I can go days with so much confidence, with the mirror telling me I am genuinely a catch. But when it comes down to actually being a sexual or romantic being, I always let myself and the people around me down.

I do think I need therapy for this. Like I said, I have been through other shit in life, and I have had therapy for those things. But this is something I have never really talked about with anyone before, and I am learning to be more self-aware about it.

Thanks for reading guys