Sorry Americans, you'll have to sit through this one. Be thankful you don't have to feel relevant about having these - you'll see why soon.

Let me tell you the first time in my living memory I used one of these. I was a wee lass, maybe 13 or 14 years old, going to Shanghai, China with my parents. After a bowl of noodles with questionable quality and hygiene, my stomach got the rumblies, so my parents sent me off to the loo on my own because I was "old enough to go myself".

I don't think I was, mum.

This goddamned PIT OF (metaphorical) HELL stared back at me when I opened the stall door. I checked the next stall. Same pit. I checked every stall. Same pit. 

It is so. damn. HARD. To use these. You have to squat down fully, putting your entire weight on your legs which also have to be in front of your center of gravity because you need to actually move your pants out of the way of the falling shit. You feel like you're constantly falling backwards, using as much of your strength as possible to hold your pants out of the way of the torrent and to keep yourself upright, lest you end up sprawling across the pee-stained floor (I'll get to that). Meanwhile, you barely have ANY remaining core strength to actually, y'know, take a shit?! 90% of the time these stalls don't even have handlebars! You can't even hold onto the walls!

Pissing is just as bad. For men, you basically have to deal with the very real possibility that the piss that normally just goes on the side of the rim on a *normal* toilet can go straight on your pants, not to mention the damn splashback. And for women, well, you get to suffer the crouch for both number 1 AND 2! Fun! Moreover, because of this incredible challenge just to take a tinkle, most times the floor is COVERED in urine, making your already shaking body even more prone to slipping on the tiles and taking an unwated shower in other people's waste!

I am livid that these things still exist and that we still have to use them. UPGRADE YOUR DAMN TOILETS, PEOPLE. 

I DESPISE squatting toilets.