I’m scared I’m going to end my own life

Crazy right? I’m 18, been diagnosed with MDD and that’s about it. Last year when I was trying to see a psychiatrist she told me I show signs of bipolar disorder but I tried to take my life before we could get that diagnosis and was hospitalized for a while.

This year I turned 18 and I thought maybe this was my chance to redeem myself. I went into a small episode but managed to make it out and try to give myself grace. I got a job and I live with family who feel safe. However I recently started realizing, this is a terrible dream. All that stupid dream like view, that stupid hope, that stupid determination was just a distraction from something I can’t ever escape.

I already have a plan in my head, how I want to take care of it, where, when, and the stupid little letter that won’t even be much. I hate the idea of anyone knowing how much I’m drowning but every time I try talking it’s the same thing… the same thing of “talk to someone” or “go see a therapist” like no shit! I’ve tried.. I’ve tried so much. I’m tired. I don’t want to be alive.

I want someone to come and kill me, someone to give me something I can end it all with. Im going to try, to try and do it and just feel something. I hate this body and soul I live in. Nothing feels real anymore, it’s all a blurred reality. I feel like I’m being watched and taunted by nothing I can see.