\*my sister made tteokbokki and it was soo good.

Im 21f from South Asia. I belong to a very toxic brown family. My father is uneducated and unemployed, and I've never seen him work or pay bills all my life. He didn't even pay the hospital bills when i was born (in 2004) and my sister (in 2008) even though he was working then. My mother whereas is highly educated and pays for everything. My father physically and mentally abuses my mother. Since the last couple of months, I've been very revengeful and violent towards him. Once he was angry and came to beat my mom so i pushed and told him to die. I've used harsh words and told him to die several times. As much as i feel bad being cruel, he really deserves every bad thing. His sisters perform black magic on him. He had a huge property he sold like 10 years ago and gave his sisters all the money. 

Every time i hope things are getting better, they seem to only get worse. We live in a decent neighbourhood. I don't even have my personal room. We've been literally begging atp to buy us a permanent home, i was hoping maybe he will, but NO, he just won't do that. And i think in a month or two he's leaving again to live with his sisters and won't pay a penny for us so we will probably have to move to a sheddy neighbourhood and an ever smaller flat. I hate to even think about it. 

My mom, on the other hand.. is mentally pretty draining too. She's financially struggled to provide for the family all her life and in present too. She's sick of this life. She's never hit us, but the things she says, I'd much rather prefer to get slapped in the face than hear those. She constantly curses and says inhumanely degrading stuff. 

Growing up, I've always been a bright student and considered pretty. But I've been doing so bad academically..it's like im barely passing. I constantly get approached by 'perfect' guys. Guys who belong to the top families in my country. Probably because from outside, i seem too perfect. Yet I've never been in a relationship. I've always pushed away anyone who has tried to come close to me. Because im so scared they'll get to know the real me.. how much i suffer and won't like me anymore. I've been avoiding all my friends too and became really, really lonely. 

I used to pray regularly. But i haven't even been praying. I prayed so much for just a decent life, is it too much to ask for? Can't God just let me have the basics? So I've stopped praying altogether, and i feel like shit. I constantly feel like im wasting my potential. I've never wanted to die. Im so scared. But it feels too heavy now..

it doesn't get better..