This is pasta with red (you’d never have guessed it) pesto, sausage, beef mince, chopped up tender stem broccoli and cream with home made garlic bread. 

OKAY, on to the reason I’m posting. I need to break my pity party cycle and I feel like I’ve seen some good advice on here. 

I have really struggled with coming to terms with the fact that my only friend is my boyfriend. I didn’t mind it for a while because he’s amazing and loooove the guy, however I have had really bad crying sessions while alone because I’ve finally realised just how alone I am without him. I don’t want him to be my only source of friendship because sometimes he needs space or I need space but then that just isolates me. I’ve tried reaching out to people and reconnecting with old friends but when I say no one replies- NO ONE replies. I have friends who live far away so I never see them (and I can’t travel atm due to heart condition) but I try to talk to them and once again- mostly ignored. 

With that context I can get into **my actual problem**. I don’t really have friends, however my boyfriend does. He never really socialised with them at the beginning of the relationship so I pushed him to and over time he wanted to put more effort in, however it’s just solidified how alone I actually feel. I am absolutely happy that he has friends because he’s great and deserves them, which is why I feel like such a bitch that I’m jealous that he gets that and I don’t. I can’t help but feel like I’ve gone from some social butterfly to isolated while he enjoyed being by himself and now gets to pick and choose to be social. I am having such a conflict with myself because I just cannot stop crying and purposely pulling away from him. It’s not his fault. I know that. But when I’ve been crying most nights because of how lonely and isolated I feel, then I get a text saying ‘I love my friends and being around them’, I struggle to feel connected to him because I just don’t understand what that feels like anymore. I feel like such a bitch and yet I’m still crying and being short with him. I know I should talk to him but I’m so embarrassed to even feel like this because I’m not far off 30 and here I am crying over friends. 

I just don’t know how to navigate this part of life.

Pasta and personal issues x