When you know you’re not strong enough

Once I saw someone say “every trans woman I’ve met is so strong!”, and a trans girl replied “only the strong ones survive.” My stomach dropped because I immediately knew that I do not fall into that category. I am not strong enough to survive this.

There are people who are able to accept it, who are able to build meaningful lives. I cannot accept it. I have tried so, so, so hard for years, but I just cannot come to terms with the fact that I was forced to live someone else’s life. I cannot accept the fact that my own life was taken from me, that I will literally *never* have a life that belongs to me. I will never, ever have a real life. I will never be a full human being who was born as themself like every other soul on the planet is. I could wake up tomorrow as the dream version of myself (which will never, ever happen), and I still would never be able to make up for all of the life that was taken from me. It is a curse in every sense of the word, and it would literally need magic to reverse.

I just cannot make peace with it in any way that makes life worth living. Every single day I think about how I would do anything not to be this way. And there’s only one way out, that I will ultimately end up taking. I should have been a normal person with a normal life, and I literally cannot accept anything less. They wouldn’t be able to survive this, why should I? I’m just. not. strong enough.