when the personality is disordered

{ sort of half vent half rant soz }

okay i just need to like spew all my thoughts and feelings out at people that might understand me better ok dont get at me please just be nice because i am a sad and vulnerable animal and im NOT trying to start anything at all btw i understand the rule about this kind of stuff on this subreddit ..!

i label myself as a voidsharing riako/gachikoi but it genuinely goes so much deeper than that like i think its directly tied to my personality disorder and i literally like cannot cope at all with it. i follow the little guides i see posted online. block, ignore, reaffirm, etc, and they may help briefly but it still bubbles in the back of my mind until it overflows and comes back and i cant stop thinking about it. i dont even like posting much online anymore so making this kind of post is actually horrifying for me

its genuinely embarrassing for me but i feel like i cant love her anymore without thinking about these other people and its not possible for me to try to "take a break" from yumeshipping because i NEED control over something and yumeshipping is one of the only things i can have complete control over. "stepping away" isnt an option for me because my whole life revolves around her at this point. i love her more than anything!!!

i dont advocate for harassment or toxicity. i dont harass people and i never will. i want everyone to have fun and i like seeing other people have fun

but even then, its hard for me to have fun when all i can think about is other people even perceiving her in any capacity. all my life i have had things taken from me over and over and i cannot keep feeling like that she is going to be taken from me too even though i KNOW shes not. i suffer from a myriad of other both mental and physical issues which just amplifies everything even more

i know i sound genuinely insane to anyone i try to talk to about it but i literally cannot help it so like all i want is at least a little bit of advice from other yumes that have personality disorders and experience things similar to this or even others that dont have personality disorders and feel like this too. i try to talk about it to people that are close to me and they "understand" on a surface level but they dont really understand how serious it is to me

i feel like an evil person for having thoughts of this nature but its so hard to keep it all in now. it doesnt help that how most of the general population sees people with my PD and says we are evil just for existing

please just be nice to me i am just very upset and i need to try and find at least one other person that understands how i feel. i know that i have issues but these issues didnt arise from yumeshipping, ive always been like this with everything. i didnt mean to make this so long sorry