Strange, condscending manager

TLDR: I've been working for nearly four years, and I need some help on how to deal with a certain manager. I used to look up to them, but haven't done for ages because of how strange they are with me. They act like a regular, healthy professional one day and then an overbearing, unprofessional mentor on a random tuesday. I want to report them, but I feel like the incidents are too far in the past for me to report them for, even the most recent one. I have a habit of just trying to ignore things, but it doesn't work for me although I wish it did.

I've known for a long time that I've got a complicated relationship with one of my managers. I'll call them X- they are caring, funny, but sometimes also irritable, they treats me like a kid and has had no issue with talking about my personal business in front of others. (I used to trust them and look up to them more)

I have problems with boundaries and I find X very intimidating. I can't report them, because most of these incidents happened ages ago and it wouldn't be fair to bring them up now.

One time I wanted to go upstairs off the shop floor for some privacy to talk about a certain topic. But they just took me to the side, so we were still visible, didn't tell me why we couldn't go upstairs for privacy and upon me talking to her, I felt like they spoke to me like a child. They kept repeating a phrase I was saying as if they were mimicking me and that was the only way I could address the person I was complaining about -_- I felt very infantilized.

But the next morning, I spoke up in the huddle about something that they resonated with, that a child wouldn't have knowledge about. They said I was 100 percent correct, meaning she agreed. See how confusing and draining this is????

Another day, they moved me to a different till, as is the norm sometimes at work. But an hour later, they came back and asked me in an irritated tone why I was on that till. I put that down to brain fog and stress, as obviously they're human too- but I still felt disrespected.

One shift when I literally just got to where I needed to work, and my shift was just starting, they gave me advice not to let customers take the baskets of clothes into the fitting rooms. When I literally just got there, so that would have been impossible. I would have told them that, but I was caught off guard, bewildered as fuck, and unfortunately I have a stutter which flares up around people who make me uncomfortable.

An example I'm not as bothered about is they pulled me upstairs to their office unexpectedly and started asking me personal questions, like if anything is going on at home. They do know I don't have the best home life anyway, but I was just blindsided by this. Thing is, I really do get they are trying to help and get to the bottom of things. But they brought me upstairs because I was taking a bit longer on tills than usual. God forbid I be careful with his I handle money, I guess. Then I told them I need to focus, they basically told me to focus but not take as long, which really shocked me because again I didn't think I was taking that long. It's not like I take a million years to sort things out- I don't.

I have been pulled up by managers before (not her) and we have all reached the conclusion I need to focus more. So, it's like I'm being told two different things 💀

I always dread going upstairs if I need a minute away from tills, and if I bump into them in the lift, BC they always ask me what's wrong and they never drop it.

They just give me this emotionless stare. I'm aware it could be RBF, and I know from their nature they don't mean to make anyone uncomfortable, but...it just makes me uncomfortable. Like, let me deal with my feelings how I want. I don't always want to talk to someone about it! (Luckily, this happens less as I used to worry if this happened too much I would get told by one of the managers that they'll let me go because I'm not cut out for this job emotionally. Always been beating myself up for being too sensitive, never liked that I'm not thick skinned. I think I'm getting better at it, all the incidents I can think about that I described in this paragraph was a few years ago.)

I'm not proud of this one at all, one time a few years ago I swore while explaining myself to an incredibly frustrating customer, who just kept antagonizing me. I was rightfully given a talking to by another manager, and one of them was actually more sympathetic towards me because she knew I was having a horrible day. Everyone could tell I regretted and was extremely upset that I said what I did.

A few months later, X saw me enter a room to get a piece of equipment, and they was having a meeting with a colleague who I'm friends with. X saw I was looking awkward, and instantly asked me what's the matter, and to get them to drop it because I wanted to get it over with, I told them I had an awful customer.

This manager then asked me how I dealt with it, and straight up fucking asked me if I swore at them!!! They said it in a very casual tone, oblivious to how they sounded. I was so angry and humiliated, I should have asked them why they were asking me that, but I did not want to cause a scene in front of my friend. I didn't report this because I was extremely ashamed of that incident with the frustrating customer, and it really hurt me to think that the managers gossip about all of us behind our backs about our issues. (I've long since accepted they do, unfortunately. Once someone says something to them, it's basically a free for all.)

In fact, the most recent incident they refused to let me go upstairs because I need to be more resilient and breathe. Well, bare in mind the customer who lost her shit at me got incredibly rude all because I didn't understand her. She kept humiliating me in front of a manager and pointing out how my manager understood but I didn't. Began banging on about how 'if you were to come to my country' as if it was really that deep. There's no excuse to rip someone to shreds just because you're asked to repeat something.

I was in shock. Ive not got a nasty customer like that in ages. I usually get good feedback from customers and colleagues, am friendly and provide options if need be if the item the customer wants isn't available, and I don't cause arguments. But I got that horrible devil woman.

I wasn't the only colleague on tills who heard that woman, she was ranting loudly. And my colleagues next to me were on my side, one of them was gently telling me not to cry, and the other called a manager, telling them I was really upset.

X wasn't there. They did not see it. But they refused to let me go upstairs. I had been humiliated abd interrupted for several minutes, the manager who did help me with that customer was there so I assume what went on was talked about (idk) and STILL x refused to let me go upstairs.

All the other managers have done, or advised me to wait for them in the lift area and let me go get a drink. But not X, oh no apparently I'm the problem!

X also said to me 'i know you're dealing with a lot at home', which I never told the other manager standing there. So again, feels like X has no issue airing my business I've talked to her about with others. I...I am at a total loss of why I didn't report any of this. I was sickened, humiliated, angry and clearly very upset.

One time, X saw me upset whilst maintaining an area. They asked me what's wrong. I gave them a very obvious polite hint I did not want to talk about it. Surprise surprise, they kept on pushing. Laughed and just asked me 'so what is ---- thinking about' (another pet peeve of mine- mentioning my name and talking about me in third person whilst also talking TO ME! Makes me feel so infantilized.) this was ages ago too so I don't remember what's happened.

I have had good moments with X, but I really don't like them either. I feel kinda validated because I've spoken to another colleague I'm close to and she also feels weird around X.

So there you go, lots of evidence I need to stop being such a pussy and just report X. But I have anxiety. Crippling. I'm a people pleaser. I try not to rock the boat. I tell myself 'oh just ignore it, they aren't worth the time' 'you reported these colleagues and they didn't apologise', and last time I actually did report a manager- when THAT manager began talking to me about that, I was sweating bullets. I was shitting bricks. They weren't even unprofessional about it, they explained their pov and apologised. I even felt bad. (Wish I didn't. I'm such a people pleaser, and I hate it.)

I know I need to get a backbone.

Today, I called over X to help me with a situation BC I wasn't sure how to deal with it. They were the only manager available. I was kind of worried they would follow me to get the item the customer needed (they've done that before, despite me having no trouble doing that) but when I got back, and I finished the transaction (X was no where to be found) X suddenly showed up, kept asking me all these questions, and I couldn't get any of my words out. So I felt like shit.

I was having a bad shift anyway, so I had a little cry to myself then just soldiered on with the rest of my shift.

X overwhelms me and I feel like they get too involved in situations that doesn't concern them. I know it's from a place of care, but it's just too much and too intense, and they treat me like a child, even though I stopped going to them with my issues ages ago.

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