In meltdown mode

Had a complete meltdown last night at my sister’s Fourth of July party that has spilled over into today.

I was diagnosed with PPD/A shortly after my daughter was born (she’s 11 weeks now). She’s my pride and joy and I love her more than anything but she has been far from an easy baby. She is a reflux baby (working with a GI and dietician) and colic really hit us hard around 4 weeks. We just started turning a corner the past two weeks. She still has some days that are rough, but it’s truly significantly better than what it was.

Yesterday was one of those rougher days for my daughter. My sister hosted a Fourth of July party yesterday that should have been so much fun, and it was for everyone but instead was miserable for me. It was so hot and humid. There were more people than areas to sit. Her three big dogs (golden retriever, Bernese mountain dog, and a mix of both) were all over me and my baby. There was nowhere to go for any sort of relief/refuge. Everyone wanted to hold my daughter but again, it was one of her rough days, so everyone had a comment about/reason for her fussiness. I was able to be polite but that didn’t last later.

We went home for a couple hours to get a break and put pajamas on before going back for fireworks. I should have just stayed home but stupidity came over me. It was essentially the afternoon round 2, with bugs thrown in the mix.

My daughter did well and then started getting fussy. My sister (who loves her endlessly) took her for me and after a while said “I don’t get what’s wrong with her. It’s like she’s hurting. Look at her tremble her bottom lip. Why does she do that?”

And then I snapped.

It was just her and my mom with me in the kitchen, and I nearly blacked out but vaguely remember screaming “I don’t fucking know! If I knew I would fucking fix it! It’s been 11 fucking weeks of this and specialists and doctors and no one has any answers but everyone has a fucking opinion!”

Shortly after that we left and I’ve been crying off and on ever since.

I feel guilty I made her party awkward. I feel like I made it about me and it never should have been. I completely lost it and I feel awful I couldn’t regulate myself enough to keep it together.

I also feel terrible that my husband footed half the fireworks bill and had to leave early.. not because of our daughter, but because of me!

I feel so helpless and clueless and like I’m failing everyone.

Today the roles have reversed and my daughter is smiling and happy, and I am the one crying.

Just needed to shout into the void.