Terran Weapons

Alien: Human Fred, what are you doing to your rifle?

Fred: It’s just Fred. I know I’m human. No one else is named Fred. And I’m fixing this shitty rifle.

A: Fine. Fred. What is wrong with the rifle? It’s brand new. The most advanced design we make!

Fred: And yet it is a piece of shit.

A: Why?

Fred: It is too light to use to beat an enemy. There isn’t a physical sight. And some dumb-fuck didn’t include a bayonet lug.

A: Fred, why would a plasma rifle need that?

Fred: Have you even been in combat?!

A: Well, not really. A few minor skirmishes.

Fred: Say you know shit. Dude. Your rifle needs to be a club when things get close. Never underestimate the value of a bayonet. And this fancy aiming rig? It will fail.

A: But it’s been tested!

Fred: It will fail. I’d like to live through combat, so I’m adding a physical sight and bayonet lug. I can’t do much about the weight, but I can add some reinforcement.

A: You aren’t qualified to make these adjustments!

Fred: Look. I know how to live in combat. So I’m making the changes. You can bill me.

Two weeks later, Fred climbs out of a really messy foxhole, bodies stacked four deep.

Fred: Told you, you stupid fuck.