So My NMom Died This Morning

Just got back to back notifications that my mother died this morning. I went NC roughly 10-12 years ago. I tried several times before that but kept getting roped in from relatives passing away, or some emergency. Ironically, I once went NC for 3 years and her BF called me and told me she was dying and I went back. The dying bit was obviously a lie but at the time, and I was still unaware what true narcissism was or what they are capable of.

I have her number blocked, email blocked. I moved to the opposite side of the country 7 years ago and she must have found me because about 18 months ago, I received two letters from her about a month apart. Both went straight into the trash and I unblocked her email long enough to email her to save the money on stamps as I was not reading them. That she had nothing to say that I wanted to hear. I said, “even if you are dying, I already mourned you the last time you were dying”.

I was always wondering how I would feel once she passed. I truly had no love left for her. I could go through all of the stories of why I despised her so much but I read all of the stories on here and many of them are similar to mine, so I won’t put in a novel here explaining it all.

I have read several stories on here also of people who wondering if they would guilt/remorse once they were finally gone. I have always talked a good game saying I don’t think it would matter to me. That I would probably feel relief, but in the back of my head, I knew I wouldn’t know for sure until it happened.

Well it happened and I feel fine. Like truly fine. My wife keeps checking on me to make sure I am not bottling anything up. I do feel relief. In fact, as I am typing this, my wife just said, “I know you are fine, but I am sorry. She was still family though and she was your mom so I am sorry.” (Wife had a very loving family and even though she witnessed my mother without the mask on, she can’t truly understand what it was like).

When she asked that, I immediately thought of so many lines people say about “heaven taking an Angel back” and I just said to her, “Sometimes, Hell needs their minions back.”

So to those of you wondering if it is possible to feel nothing when they pass or about being NC and feeling guilty about not saying goodbye, it is entirely possible to be fine with it.