she’s marrying the guy she left me for because she’s pregnant.

caption pretty much sums it up but it’s a lot more complicated than that.
we were best friends for years, since high school, closest i’ve ever been to a friend. She was in a long term relationship with a man throughout our entire friendship. last year things started changing between us, I always picked up on some vibes from her but shot them down because of her relationship. I’m not sure what changed, I moved far away, but as our friendship became long distance it got stronger and closer. I stopped thwarting her advances and began entertaining them. before I knew it I was fantasizing about being physical and romantic together, and we were openly discussing those feelings. part of me felt like if I took it to a certain level, she’d leave her boyfriend.

She came to visit me and we talked for weeks leading up to it about having sex. I shaved my whole body, I clipped my nails, I got so nervous and excited. but when she got here, I couldn’t go through with it. we’d be in the pool legs touching body heat warming the water and then she’d bring up her boyfriend. my stomach would go cold and i’d feel sick and shaky. I knew it was wrong. she went home, and when I visited her the next month the cycle repeated. after a while I knew I couldn’t keep going like this. we’d have a heated phone call, and then she’d text me about “finishing it” with her boyfriend. I felt so disgusted.

I finally set the boundary that we could only be friends, no more sexual or romantic behavior. we tried this for a short time and she told me she couldn’t put her feelings aside. we’d didn’t talk for a few weeks and then she broke up with him, told me she wanted to focus on us. she told me she realized her feelings for me were stronger/different than those for him. I was nervous and cautious but really overjoyed. we were supposed to see eachother in a few weeks too. I was taking things slow didn’t want to rush into anything especially with her just leaving a serious long term relationship. I was also just so happy to have my best friend back. Not long before I was due to come visit her, she called me out of the blue and told me she was getting back together with him. after telling me she was separating from him and reducing contact, she was secretly reconciling with him behind my back. I took this extremely hard. I told her in no uncertain terms this was it for our friendship and certainly anything more.

that was a little under a year ago, and i’ve maintained no contact with her. i’ve worked through it a lot in therapy and with friends and family. she wrote me a letter once a month or two later just basically saying goodbye and thanks for the friendship. She had once admitted to me she stalked me on reddit, (this is a backup account lol, but wouldn’t put it past her to find it) something I honestly had never thought of doing, but now that I know she did it, I had to do it too. she’d post about me here and there, any time i’d post in a super niche sub, she’d post in it the next week. My therapist helped me stop this habit and I hadn’t looked in months. Then I get the news from a highschool friend, they’re engaged. I was upset and surprised, mostly because I didn’t understand why now. why after all those years of him not proposing, of her being unsure if she wants to commit either, of her saying they were going to have an open relationship, after less than a year ago she left him because she was in love with her best friend. Well there on her reddit, I found the answer. she posted a comment about quitting THC because of pregnancy.

I hate that it’s affecting me so much but it is. i’ve felt so sick to my stomach. I think one major part is, I had this hope than maybe one day he’d be out of her life and we could re connect. now, he’ll forever be in her life. It’s a much different commitment than simply getting married. I wonder what changed, because a year ago she told me getting pregnant would ‘end her life’, and that he always agreed to pay for an abortion if this ever happened. I worry for her, her future, her freedom. I mourn that my best friend is getting married and having a baby, and i’m not there. It hurts that for so long I wondered, what can he offer her than I can’t? and this is it. I know everything happens for a reason. I know I couldn’t have remained friends with her, because there’s no way I could have supported this decision and path. I know that we weren’t compatible for a relationship if this is what she wants right now. It’s just such a unique pain. no one really understands why this hurts me so bad. how it’s like the heartbreak getting totally rehashed and doubled down on after finally starting to move on. I really just wanted to vent, and if any of you have ever had a woman you love leave you for a man and have a traditional life with them, maybe you can offer me some advice on how to get through it.