What am I supposed to do

my boyfriend and I were together for over a year. he was preparing to propose on our trip to Italy, which was 2 weeks away before we broke up.
he had the engagement ring and he flew into my hometown to ask for my parents blessing. they cried from joy and asked me if this was what I wanted. I said yes. he told his parents and they got us a gift as a pre wedding present engraved with our names. he was the best partner i’ll perhaps ever have except for one tiny thing. (Not so tiny). he was a coke addict and alcoholic. he would frequently run away from me, from the bed, in the middle of the night to go drinking or to do coke and be wild with friends till 8 or 10 in the morning while I was in his bed. sometimes I would be sick in bed and he would still run away. Saying he didn’t want to be chained to having the same bedtime as me.
he’s a musician. he always wanted to lead that rockstar life. I would always stress to him how much this bothered me and affected me when his behavior changed erratically and he would slur his words and be unsafe to himself and to me when he drank and did coke. often he would have meltdowns and I would take care of him and have to bring him back to life as he cried and said he was so depressed about his life. (I mean hello? Duh you’re depressed, you’re on the come down from like a shit ton of coke) . the last time he did this was the final straw. he came home after a long work day and yelled at me for taking too much time to clean the apartment that day (his apartment, mind you). (And I had done his laundry, cleaned the dishes, cleaned the bedroom, etc.) saying I had done nothing all day and that he was working all day. I was supposed to work a job that morning that had canceled on me - and was already struggling to find work for a month so I was already having a bad day and had a meltdown on the train earlier. he called me delusional, a motherfucker, an asshole, totally psychotic, amongst other things and ran out slamming the door. then texted me saying “anything that happens tonight is your fault”. he left and continued to text me terrible things. I found out the next morning that he had been hopping around to peoples houses doing cocaine and drinking all night.
this man would rather spend $500 on cocaine than pay for a meal for me for our anniversary or our Valentine’s Day. For our one year anniversary he got us self help books on love. I said flowers would have been nice but a self help book on love sends the wrong message, as if we are in a bad place instead of celebrating love.
Every meal was split down the middle and I was struggling with money at a certain point and couldn’t even buy myself proper meals but would still stupidly buy him presents like clothes and books and flowers and coffee. anytime he did something nice for me (which would be small like a coffee) he would say the next day “well I bought you a coffee yesterday so now it’s your turn to buy me a coffee”.
the night he invited me to meet his parents for the first time at his concert he was playing, he also had invited another girl he was sleeping with at some point before we met or during (idk honestly) and I walked in on her talking to his parents like she was his girlfriend. standing very close to him. I’ll never forget the look on that girls face and on his mother’s face when I was introduced as the girlfriend. I felt so ugly and small. I only found out afterwards that they had slept together. but I knew it immediately when I walked in and saw them standing together.
she send him some texts saying “fuck you.. etc. etc.” I never found out what happened. but I asked him to stop any contact with her because it was making me feel awful and angry and hurt.
he stopped talking to her.

then there was an incident where he went out with a female friend from college to catch up and he asked me to go back to my apartment and said I wasn’t allowed to go meet her. they went out to a music show, something I had been wanting to do with him for ages, and he said he got very drunk that night and stayed out till 2am.

It’s been two months almost to the day since that night I broke up with him (the last time he ran away). and he’s only now finally giving me my stuff back that’s been sitting at his apartment for the past two months. saying I wasn’t allowed to come by to pick it up myself (and honestly I don’t have any desire to go back there).

there’s so much more but really now I’m just trying to unbrainwash myself. sometimes I forget how much wrong he did in the relationship, because I’ve been taught to focus on the good. but it comes back in spurts. if I read a book/novel about our relationship I would say “that’s a really bad ending & what happens to her now? and does he ever change?”

he said afterwards that he is going to therapy x2 a week and going to AA meetings. saying he was freshly sober. but then I saw a photo from his friends instagram last night that he was smiling and drinking at 4th of July.
he blocked me on Instagram and TikTok and stopped answering my texts when I asked to reschedule our in person meeting that he had been delaying himself for two months. (He blocked me three days ago I think)
He blocked me right after I released an album of songs of my own and he was seemingly upset that I didn’t tell him or that I was getting attention for it.

I don’t want to care anymore. I want to be free of this hurt and stop talking or thinking about him. But I want justice to be served.
I want to release him but part of me also wants to run away and start a brand new life in a different country now. I don’t want to be the one that runs tho. why should he get to stay where he is and remain comfortable and happy and at peace while I am having panic attacks and crying every night and day. I feel betrayed and disrespected.

He is clearly problematic but what can I do to take care of my own hurt without him involved?
I feel lost and I don’t particularly enjoy not having a companion.
He was funny and smart and kind and charming.
It was complicated because he was so good at times but then could flip like a switch. Very Jekyll and Hyde. Very Gemini of him (which he is, in fact, a Gemini)

(I also had to call the police on this man when he was doing coke but that’s a long story.)

I’m trying to do deep breathing exercises and not smoke too many cigarettes and sleep better at night but what I really need is peace and quiet. I want so badly to go somewhere quiet. Maybe to cry or just to be for a week and hear myself.
Away from everyone.
Maybe to write or make music or just to heal and breathe.

I didn’t deserve this treatment.
Nobody deserves such treatment.
I asked him to hold his tongue when he called me names and he said “that sounds like a threat” when really I was trying to be respectful and mature and have him do the same because I didn’t call him any names and didn’t retort with drama.

I hate this.
I hate that I still miss him.
The problems are so clearly in sight.
I wouldn’t want anyone to be with a person like him so why am I still attached?
How do I excommunicate him from my soul?