I can’t get over him and it’s my fault

We met in high school, dated for 8 years, 3 weeks ago I ruined it with my drinking. He told me repeatedly that it’s a problem and it needs to stop and I didn’t give a fuck because it’s the only thing that was numbing my pain. And now i’m in the most pain I’ve ever been in. I didn’t think he would actually leave me. It’s completely my own fault. Not to say he didn’t have his own problems but it’s not about that. About a month and a half before this real breakup we had a mutual breakup, due to him prioritizing his friends over me and treating me like shit. But we still lived together and hung out and it only lasted 2 weeks until he wanted me back and ofc i accepted.

3 weeks ago we were at his uncles pool and I drank a whole 6 pack in like 4 hours. And then his brother called and said they were having a fire and what should he get at the liquor store? And my boyfriend was pissed at me for even considering drinking more and I was pissed at him for being pissed so I went all out and got absolutely shitfaced and was bitching him out in front of everyone there. I blacked out as usual. We came home and fought more and we both said some really fucked up things to each other. The next day he wanted me gone. And I was gone.

Part of my beef with him was that he never wanted to stay out late with me or go dancing with me. And what the fuck is he doing now? Going out until 3 am and dancing. Fucking crazy. All of my friends were his friends/family and now no one talks to me. I am completely alone. I had to move back in with my mom but she’s fucking crazy so i’m moving back in with my grandparents and my drug addict father, the place he saved me from. And now i’m just nothing to him and he doesn’t care about the pain i’m in. He’s out here partying and is finally happy without me. I just want him back. I keep texting him and calling him and all he wants is space and to be single and all I want is to prove I can and will change and he doesn’t want to hear any of it. I feel like a fucking crazy person. I just want the thoughts to stop. I can’t believe I fucked up so badly. I wish I just listened to him and just went home with him and didn’t go to his brothers that day. I fucking hate myself.