Advice for long distance sex drive issues for me (26M) and my girlfriend (25F)?

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Long post warning

TLDR: My girlfriend and I have been happily long-distance for 4 years, but I have a much higher sex drive than she does. I repeatedly asked for intimate photos because I wanted to feel physically desired and avoid relying on porn. She never directly said no, so I assumed she was just reluctant or being coy. After finally talking honestly, she revealed sending explicit photos has always made her uncomfortable and felt I was too pushy, while I feel she gave mixed signals by avoiding a clear answer and having sent me stuff before. Now she's hurt, our relationship feels strained, and I'm wondering if I misread her, if she was misleading, and how to move forward.

Me (26m) and my girlfriend (25f) have been together for five years. We are each others' first real relationship. We met at the start of our senior year at college and have been long distance (about a 2 hour flight) doing different higher educations for the past four years. We aim to see each other once a month, usually for a weekend, but sometimes are able to get together longer during breaks. We video call every night and sometimes have a phone call during the day.

She's amazing and fun and makes me laugh and gets me in every way. She's helped me through rough times and is one of the few things that genuinely bring me joy. I see myself marrying her and building a life together after we both graduate, and I honestly cannot wait to live together. But to do that we have to make it through the next two years of long distance.

When we're together, we have lots of fantastic sex. We have great sexual chemistry in person. Both of us didn't have too much experience before each other but we really click. However, I am a much hornier person than her. She knows this. She doesn't really masturbate, but I thought she did sometimes at least. I do a lot (when we're apart). I'm good for a week or two after our visits before the need arises again.

At the start of the long distance part of our relationship we tried phone sex but it was weird and we never tried again. She's not much of a dirty talker and during sex I'm the one talking and prompting her to say things.

She's sent me two photos: her ass in a thong and a topless mirror pic in sexy underwear. The latter was 3 years ago. I was ecstatic at both of them and used them many times to get off and told her how stunning she looks and how much I loved them. Occasionally, she will also take our video call into the shower and I love just watching her.

Throughout the whole long distance period, I've also sent her occasional nudes of myself. They're usually accompanied by some sexual comment or "I can't wait to..." statement if we had a visit coming up. Her responses were sweet but underwhelming, usually something along the lines of a heart react and "haha looking cute!"

Whenever she says she's about to go take a shower I'll say "send pics!" and she laughs and rolls her eyes. When I've suggested she send me a nude she'll usually say "maybe" with a smile or laugh it away. I figured she was just being coy, keeping them a rarity. As much as I'd love it, I know she's not the kind of girl to take videos for me or spread her legs or anything, but I still treasure a tasteful nude as much as the next guy. Or even any partially undressed lingerie pic.

I told her porn didn't really do anything for me anymore after about a year of dating, and that was the truth, and I reiterated it after our second year (first year of long distance). But those original pics lost their magic for me since I'd used them so many times. I still try to finish to them, but in the time between our visits I went back to watching porn (didn't tell her I did that). I don't like doing that because it feels like cheating in a way- I want her to be the source of my sexual satisfaction. That feeling of cheating makes me feel like a bad boyfriend which makes me feel guilty which makes me depressed which makes me think less of myself which makes me think I deserve less which leads me to seeking self-destructive behavior which leads me back to porn because I know it makes me feel guilty. (Already working on this in therapy.)

I've also expressed a desire I have to take pictures and/or short videos of us during sex that I could look at during the time between visits. She usually says something like "not this time".

Several months ago I asked her to send some again since it had been so long. I even suggested I make her a PowerPoint as a half-joke but then ended up actually doing it because I thought it would be fun to make (it was). I made it funny and filled it with memes and appropriate stickers of up but sincere about why I wanted to exchange nudes that boiled down to (1) I'm horny (2) I find her incredibly sexy (3) it had been 3 years since the last time she sent one (4) I want to be getting off to her and her alone (5) I thought it would actually help us bond during long distance and (6) I miss her tons, obviously.

Paraphrasing, her response after I presented it to her was while laughing saying "wow that was a lot. I'm gonna have to think about it". Nothing came of it.

Last month I visited her and during one of our post-sex pillow talks I talked a stream of consciousness at her telling her how it's really hard for me in the time between visits because I get horny and I miss her and I want to be getting off to her. She said "okay, I hear you".

With this heatwave the past week it's been tough to leave my room/house during the day and has turned into a bit of a depression week. I've been very horny and sexually frustrated (more so than usual) lately as it's been about 3 weeks since that last visit. I had been thinking of telling her how I'd been feeling since then but was conflicted. By telling her I was sexually unsatisfied during the times between our visits it would put pressure on her to "make me happy" by sending me photos. I want her to engage with me sexually because she wants to do it. I DON'T want to guilt her into it, but that's exactly what would happen if I told her. At the same time, we try to be honest in our relationship.

Two nights ago, she called to say goodnight before bed and could tell I wasn't in a good mood. She asked what was up and I had an internal conversation debating whether or not to be honest and she encouraged me to say what I wanted to say. I ended up telling her I wasn't getting the sexual fulfillment I needed between our visits. I didn't feel physically desired when we're apart.

She said she doesn't like sending explicit photos because "it makes me uncomfortable". This was surprising to me since it was the first I'd heard that through our whole relationship. If I knew it made her uncomfortable at any point over the past several years, I would have respected her decision and dropped it. But given that she'd sent me sexy and partially nude photos before and she had seemingly always left the possibility open, I questioned further trying to understand. I wasn't sure if she was uncomfortable because of the security of them or because of the nature of the act. I'm decently tech savvy and know how to secure files well, so if her worry was the safety of them I wanted to assure her anything she sent would be locked down tight. But she said it was a combination of many things other than that, with the main part being because it feels unnatural to point a camera at herself without any clothes on. That's understandable and I respect her feelings.

Another part is that she just doesn't get horny when she's on her own and needs to be in that mindset in order to take photos. I always knew she could turn her need for sexual intimacy on and off like a switch, but I thought she still missed me physically. Not really.

I made clear that she makes me feel emotionally wanted, but I expressed my desire to feel physically wanted. I tried suggesting several possibilities, trying to find a compromise. I'm a problem solver and wanted to find a way for her to be comfortable while I also get to not feel physically ignored when we're not together. But everything is difficult when one person is never in the mood. Nothing was resolved and it was late so we said our goodnights and only talked briefly the next day.

Today we continued our conversation. She didn't like how "pushy" I was once she said no, and I tried to explain exactly what I typed out above, about how I was confused by her mixed signals and was trying to understand better to try to find a common ground. She didn't like that I kept asking things after she said no. Also, she was shocked I couldn't tell how she felt about sending things by her always avoiding an answer or brushing my questions aside. I said how was I supposed to know, reminding her that I have a track record of being oblivious to social cues and situations. I'm not a mind reader and she never gave a negative answer. Always a positive neutral.

I also revealed to her the guilt I feel by masturbating to porn because it isn't her. She didn't realize I was back to watching porn and I asked her what, given everything I've told her about how I feel in our time apart, she thought I was doing to get off when I get really horny since she never interacts with me or sends me anything. She thought I could just push it aside. I did call her naive. I thought she was hornier than she is during our time apart, and she thought I was less horny than I am. She said she likes the occasional photos I send and it makes her happy to know I'm thinking about her. She didn't like the image she now had in her head of me getting off to other women in porn. She wanted some time to think so we agreed to talk more later.

When we hung up, my anxiety took over. I started thinking about my life without her and imagining her breaking up with me saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't 100% happy. I asked her to talk again within the hour and did a 180º turn. I apologized and told her that a couple of pictures aren't worth the life I wanted to have with her, and I could survive another two years until we graduate and can make that a reality. She accused me of completely flipping my stance and after a bit of trying to justify it I caved and said I did because I'm scared to lose her. I'd much rather not be sexually fulfilled when we're not together for another two years than not have her for the rest of our lives.

But she said we're in a shitty situation now because she knows I'm not happy. To be clear, I am incredibly happy being with her in all aspects other than long distance sexual. She expressed annoyance at having to deal with this now. I wish I had just not said anything to her even though she appreciates me being honest with her. If I lose her because of this, I know I'll be filled with so much regret and self-hate. I really believe she is my person.

She asked me my true thoughts and figured I'd just give them to her. I told her how I felt misled by her past actions and ambiguous responses. If she had given me a direct answer about her true feelings on the matter, I would never have thought the possibility was there and thus not have said anything knowing that she couldn't do anything to fix it. But she is still incredulous that I didn't figure it out on my own based on her avoidance.

She is very conflict avoidant and I said I think she didn't want to have a conversation with me about this where she would disappoint me and so she never gave me a straight answer saying she didn't want to exchange photos. She said I was being mean and we left things at that.

We had a visit planned next weekend. I wanted to still go because I value any opportunity we have for in-person time (for more than just sex, I love just being in the same physical location), but I cancelled it at her request even though she will be "sad and bored and lonely" because she needs time to process everything.

So now I don't even want photos from her because they'd feel insincere and forced: I only wanted her to send me things if she wanted to, which I thought she was open to but now I know she's not. And even if she doesn't send me anything I just want to feel physically desired but she seems completely against participating at all. At this point I just want to go back to how things were.

Thanks for reading, I know this is a really long post. I would appreciate some outside viewpoints as this isn't something I want to talk to my family or friends about:

1. Should it have been obvious to me that sending photos would make her uncomfortable given her actions and brush offs, or would they be misleading to people other than myself?
2. Once I understood that, was it wrong of me to try to problem solve by seeking a compromise where she would be a comfortable and willing participant in some manner?
3. Now that I understand her position and if she doesn't want to engage at all, I am willing to not be fully satisfied for another two years. But how can we work through this with her knowing I'm not entirely happy in our long distance relationship when we're apart? I don't want to lose her.