I am almost done for

I have been battling sudden onset extremely treatment resistant anhedonia and emotional blunting since 2019 without a clear cause. I have reached a point where my sensory perception of the world is so blunted that I am almost completely unable to perceive any kind of well-being or positive stimuli. I cannot feel love or warmth for my loved ones. I cannot feel anything when petting a cute animal. Orgasms feel completely muted. I cannot feel the atmosphere of places or seasons. I am a practicing Muslim and visiting the holy sites of Islam did not make me feel anything. No treatment, conventional or unconventional, has been able to penetrate through the blockage. Doctors are clueless and stomped on my case. My physician admits she has never seen that level of anhedonia before and that it is too much for her and that I needed a team of experts. Not even substances can temporarily alleviate my suffering as those are also affected by the reward blockage.

Surviving in this state is becoming increasingly difficult. I do not feel any depressed mood or low self esteem - I do believe I matter and that I am valuable - however the sensory blunting of pleasure is a state so existentially torturous most people aren’t able to comprehend it. I cannot live a normal life, travel or work a real job. Despite being physically able to and not necessarily lacking the drive for it, the absence of any stimulation in my brain creates tremendous suffering when I try to engage with real life situations over a prolonged period of time. My issue is not motivation, my issue is that it feels like the neural pathways that allow pleasure to flow through are severed.

I have tried a bunch of stuff. Aticaprant, tVNS, Parnate, ketamine, psychedelics, touching grass. Please do not give me any advice along the lines of ''you need to try a 6 week water buffalo fast and snort 120mg of Parnate every day''. I don’t want to hear it, I have no incentive to even continue trying. I don’t want medical advice, whatever you say, I’ve probably heard it before (unless you happen to be u/caffeinehell, that dude is much smarter than me). Nonetheless, I’ve educated physicians and professors on this shit.

After over 7 consecutive years without an ounce of true consummatory reward, the idea that things have the potential to make you feel good has become alien to me. Even if I did end up recovering one day, I would never be able to view life the same way again. Knowing that the things that makes us feel they have a purpose completely rely on intact brain chemistry and that even the strongest emotional connection with another person can go poof in an instant because spontaneous onset anhedonia exists. People who do not value their hedonic tone are insanely ignorant. How dare you say ''I’m bored'' when you can literally derive background pleasure from just existing?

I’m feeling very passively suicidal these days. The only things that are preventing me from doing it is that I believe suicide will lead to a punishment in the afterlife and that I lack the needed impulse to truly ''want to die''. I also struggle with severe apathy and my willpower itself is blunted. However I cannot guarantee that I am ready to complete a decade with this condition. I can’t even believe I am saying this but I might end up actually doing it. It my religion didn’t prohibit it, I would even consider it in the near future. No family member could stop me, even if they told me how much they love me and everything. Sometimes, loving someone means letting them go. We see it with severe CFS patients all the time.