[19 F] I have these feelings and I'm not sure about them please help.

I've always liked men. I'm straight. I do read a lot of yaoi, bl etc. but I believe this just makes me like men even more lol. I haven't experienced a lot of people yet. I had one ex from high school. He was very misogynistic. He always had anger issues and he was obsessed with Trump. Every time someone accidentally bumped into him he would tense up, get upset and one time he said he was going to kill someone for simply brushing against his shoulder. He also always made me feel like I was the bad guy or cheater or something. I was a loner and an introvert I didn't even have girl friends at the time. He would simply get jealous of me working with a male classmate in a school setting. He would tell all his friends to watch me in class, it was very uncomfortable, he always had his minions watching and spying on me. Whenever I talked about wanting to move out of my parents house and be independent he would look at me like I'm crazy, why do you need to be independent? he says. He got mad that a woman wants to be independent. He also looked at me like I was stupid when I said it would be fun to go to the military or army together and I can go as a nurse there. Mind you I was joking, he then said women shouldn't go there because they are women. This was at the same time he got upset about me saying I couldn't wait to move out and be independent. So I broke up with him.This was a few years ago in highschool. I haven't been with anyone since. I'm just having a reality check though, that fictional men I watch and read everyday don't exist and that all the men I like are fictionally made by women. Real men's work or behavior in real life always seems to disappoint me. I feel like I'm attracted to a woman painted to be a man but it's actually a woman. Men aren't like the fictional men caring, kind, night in shining armor, a decent human being. I'm sure there are some, but there is a sea of ones that are not like that. I just wish the world was different I wish everything could be butterflies and bees. I'm young still but recently I've been in my early adulthood and I've had so much reality checks it's sad it's like I'm not me anymore. The world really fucks everything up. I feel like romantically I could fall in love with a woman but sexually I'm attracted to men. I always thought it would be cool to be a guy myself. If I was just a boy all my problems would leave. I would be a hot bottom or a hot top lmao. If I was a top I would be bi it would be more fun to explore women if I was a guy. If I was a bottom I would like men I would just be gay lol. Being a guy is fun I can try women and men lol. I could be cool as well style wise. I can be more myself. I have IMVU it's an app where you can make a character and chat with people. I always make a guy character and everyone thinks I'm a guy. The times I made a girl character it wasn't the same, no one talks to you, you're not the center of attention at all. I feel like as a girl if I were to be myself I would be called a pick me. Whenever I'm my guy avi I can freely be me, I can say stupid shit and people would laugh about it. I had so many friends as my guy avi, I even genuinely started liking this girl she was very sweet she told me about how she got raped we had deep convos and she started to actually like me too. That's when I deleted my account because I wasn't actually a guy, I didn't want to hurt her. It made me sad. I always think what if I was actually a guy, and I continued our relationship. I just wish I could change my character whenever I wanted. Girl, boy etc. I wish I could change my looks too. I wouldn't mind being a girl if I was hot as fuck lmao. Being average doesn't help my situation. I feel bad about the way I look all the time. I don't want to be trans because I just hate that I never biologically will be the gender I want. No offense to any trans people. In my family we grew up Christian and religious. My entire family would abandon me or our relationship just wouldn't be the same like at all. It would just be weird. They even jumped at the fact I wanted to change my name to a different name. Like I couldn't even change my name because of them. If you were to ask me if I was an orphan and I had no family, I would change. Hell yeah would. But I wouldn't tell a soul I was a girl before. I just feel it's embarrassing, I don't want to be trans you know what I mean. I want to be a boy, an actual boy not a trans boy just a boy. I'm sure all trans people felt this way before. But anyway unfortunately it's just not possible 😞