Why does hate hurt so bad even when I already know it's all true?

"Regulus was a bad person who did one good thing. That doesn't make him a good person, or even morally grey. It just means he was a nuanced bad person."

"Why are people forgetting that he literally joined a fascist cult and only left because he was uncomfortable with its leader splitting his soul? That's not a redemption arc, that's just hypocrisy."

"It's unrealistic to think that he would've been friends with people like Dorcas or Pandora because he was a blood-supremacist bigot and they weren't."

I can't with this, I hate myself so much. Not everything these people say are accurate to my memories, but that doesn't make it feel any less true. I still believe all of this. I really was a shitty person who thought he could make up for it by dying (like what kind of stupid logic is that?)