Instrusive suicidal thoughts

I'd like to believe I am not suicidal. There are things that I want to do and I believe there's still a chance for me. Before the suicidal thoughts were fleeting and not serious.

With years my depressive episodes have been getting worse. They are longer, harder to manage. During those I sometimes get a day where I get massively suicidal. It's like an itch. During the winter I actually went throught my meds and started to lay them out. Took one but then...and I shit you not... I got tired. I got so tired that I literally thought "I'd rather go to sleep rn". A few weeks ago I was walking home from work and my brain was like "finish it! Right now!". It was such an overwhelming, physical need. I was in despair, and in those times, I truly believe there's no chance for me.

These things are scary, because when I call down, the itch goes away. But the longer I ruminate on it, the stronger it gets. The second, I am annoyed with myself because I still don't believe I am capable of any of these and are just making a fuss out of nothing.

Does anyone relate?? What tf is going on.