My depressive state had ruined my relationships, and I am lost.

For some background, I want to say I was treated horribly by my parents. I feel like people born with a tougher personality than I could fight for themselves, tell someone, call the authorities, or do something about it. But I did not, as I was born a little more reserved and less resistant to forms of abuse, I caved in to all the things my parents wanted me to do to become a so-called "perfect" child in the eyes of people around me, but not staying true to what I really wanted to do, and combined with my already reserved personality, it's safe to say that my high school experience was nothing more than a hellhole. The biggest consequence of that for me now, besides having to deal with depression, is that I can only make so few friends in high school.

I am about to enter university now. Thankfully, it was a school that was not forced on me by my parents. As I am becoming increasingly worried about whether I can make friends in a new environment, I have started noticing that even a small number of close friends are starting to leave me. While many of them just straight up disconnected from my social media accounts, some also told me the reason that they do not want to talk to me that much anymore is the fact that they do not want to hear my rants or care about me because they have their own problems, but they only do that after disconnecting. I know people have their own problems, and I respect that. If I knew, I would not bother them anymore, but when I tried to tell them that if they do not want to hear my rants at that time or anymore, they could just tell me about it point blank, and I absolutely would not let them see my posts, my stories, or message anything about my trauma anymore, but they apparently think that disconnecting would make me realise that fact. I do not, actually, and those partings took a huge toll on my overall mental health and hope in life. Just to be clear, some of them just dropped me as a close friend but remained in contact, while others just straight up didn't want to talk to me anymore. Ultimately, I find it really sad that ranting about my trauma, which many people have said would help relieve the mental strain, would eventually make me more depressed.

I acknowledged their saying, however, and now I am not talking about any of my trauma to literally anyone. I hope this will not make me want to die or make me more depressed, but at least for me now it will not make me lose my 2, yes 2 close friends. However, my future of relationships, as I view it now, is looking grim. My university is in a different country, and when I tried to reach out to my seniors at that university who are from the same country as me, I got no response; some even blocked me straight up. There's only one nice person whom I can feel that we could become friends. I do not know if this is normal for my university, because it's in a cold place where I assume would be great for self-centered people but worse for making friends, and also my area of studies is natural science, for which I have heard that the people studying that tend not to mingle and make friends.

Maybe some of you guys may ask, "What's the deal with friendships? Should you be focused on yourself?" Well, I used to live pretty much alone, and I felt horrible. As I have said, I may have aced in high school, tried to entertain myself with movies and music, but nothing can compare to having friends you can talk to and do those things together. It gives me the push I needed to continue believing in myself and continuing with my life goals, whereas before I could barely keep myself having the will to live when trying to entertain myself alone. Friendships are really valuable to me, and I hope some of you may understand how losing a friend is really depressing for me.

Currently, though, I am trying not to lose hope. I do not want my university experience to be a replica of my high school experience, but I am lost. My increasingly depressive state causes me not to do anything with focus, and I have lost the excitement of going to university. I do not know anymore. Any advice helps. Thank you all.