I'm tired of being a good girl.

TW: suicidal thoughts, selfharm

I'm tired of being a good girl. I'm 18 and i want to finally be free.

I'm tired of not being able to say no. I'm tired ot always complying. I'm tired of always doing what the others tell me. I'm tired of feeling guilty while making my own choices. I'm tired of being dependent on everyone.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for simply asking for something. I'm tired of being afraid to tell what i want to do, not what others want of me. I'm tired of being terrified at the thought that my wants, needs and feelings are a nuisance to others and that I myself am a nuisance to others just because i wanted to do something that i want, not what my parents want. I'm tired of feeling guilty for everything i do that isn't controlled by someone else.

I'm tired of my countless psychological issues. I'm tired of dismissing them when i feel slightly better. I'm tired that all of them were continuosly ignored by my parents. I'm tired of selfharming and getting this ignored or at worst, being shouted at and told I belong in a mental asylum and no one will want me as an employee at work when i crash out like this for the second time.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm a nuisance to my parents. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a bad person and i don't deserve them.

I'm tired of always trying to make myself disappear. I'm tired of feeling like my needs are worthless and i want too much.

I'm tired of understanding that my parents aren't probably even that controlling, but it's me that is unable to say NO. I'm tired that it's me who is organically unable to REFUSE. Because if i do, i will feel like a piece of shit, an unhelpful, unthankful swine.

And i understand that when i am somewhat independent, I'm going to go completely batshit. I'm most likely going to drink like a sailor, smoke like a 40s noir movie detective and spend all my time outside, just so that I'm never gonna have to spend my time at home again. I know how dangerous this is, but i don't know how to face life.

I'M TIRED OF BEING SO FUCKING SHY.