Still don't know what to do... (update)

Couple days ago I posted about me meeting my older brother by accident in my workplace.

So I finally told my partner. He said that he wouldn't act like me, but he wasn't on my place so...what happend happend and it is nothing important.

But this short talk opened me with some trust to partner and I broke into tears. I told him what brother told me and that I basicly feel nothing about this news, just it was jump for me - there was nothing and now some big informations without warning.

So... my grandfather have a cancer. Probably bladder, because years ago he had "something removed from stomach" my grandma said. This was probably our last talk because they refuse me then bed to sleep after I told them directly that I am not safe in my home and have no money for last minute rent/motel/whatever. They have two empty rooms with beds and livingroom with sofa. They just didn't care...

But I broke into tears not because his health, but I am feeling like monster. When I heard about cancer, my first thought was: "Good, he deserves it".

Why?

He was in military, he didn't fight or anything back then, he was "desk-army". He liked to drink, to the dinner, for celebration, to relax. But he drank more that normal people, you today could just labeled him as alcoholic. He is short temper, easly blowing and easly getting angry. Now add %... For my mother belt was everyday discipline - for her tone, messy room, grades in shool, being late. He and his wife married young, she was 18 so there was no way that she was more that over her heels for this handsome military man.

And now my childchood - with impulsive, explosive mother who controled and manipulated me. She called me names, shouted slurs, looked into my belongings, read my messeges in phone etc.

So my brain connected it and cancer news just sparked this burried chain. All of it is his foult. He is responsible for making my mother control freak, self-center angry bitch. And she ruined me.

Am I a monster for blaming him and not even considering a call after years no contact to check on him before he die?

Also... brother took my number and didn't even messege me once. So I just assume he is like he was years ago - big just in mouth toward me.