I can’t throw away shoes she picked out

This is all super long, I’m sorry. I talk a lot.

I’ve always had trouble throwing things away, at least anything I found to be sentimental. I also tend to wear / use things until I physically can’t anymore, and sometimes even when they’re broken I keep pieces of them if not the whole thing. There’s a lot to explain what some of the reasons are, but they’re not super important right now.

Right now I’m having trouble throwing away a pair of Nike shoes and a pair of crocs.

The Nike shoes I’ve been holding onto for 5+ years. They were picked out by my mom, and bought by my brother for himself. My mom was a big sneaker head and she passed that onto my brother. He outgrew them pretty fast and just handed them to me years ago. They’ve always been too big for my feet, but I know shoes are super expensive and figured I’d buy myself a new pair eventually. (Or I’d get another pair of his lol.)

And then our mom was killed last year. So instead of just saving money, I just kept telling everyone and myself she picked them out and I couldn’t bare to part with them.

A little over a month ago my brother and boyfriend went halfsies on a new pair and demanded I throw the old ones away. There were two big holes on the bottoms of both shoes, and the back had been completely worn down. And my brother got very frustrated with me when I said I was just gonna buy duct tape. Despite the fact I had literally JUST bought my brother a pair of shoes maybe 5 minutes before this conversation, I just couldn’t justify buying myself a new pair. The reasons I had no problem dropping money immediately on his pair (while he protested) were 1. it’s my little brother my heart will always bleed easy for him 2. he pointed out that they looked like a pair our mother had when we were growing up. (Also I recently found a photo of us at about 3 and 4 and he was wearing a little pair of shoes that looked EXACTLY like them!!)

So, he convinced me to try a pair I told him I liked on and told me it was just to finally find out my shoe size. And then he pulled the same trick I did and told the salesman to ring a pair up, pfft. He also pointed out that our mom had a pair exactly like them, so we both got to match with her now. And I love those shoes now, I love the fact we bonded and I love that I still have another piece of her. But I still can’t bare to throw the old pair away, they’re just in a box under my bed now.

The crocs were bought by my mom’s partner but picked out by my mom. They’re so ugly and gross now because they’re my work shoes and I work in a kitchen. They’re also too big for me (I literally did not know my shoe size for years, but I’ve been an adult for those years so please don’t think my mom was neglecting me or something) and one of the straps are broken because it got snagged on something.

Side note: I just want to point out my mother picked them as a Christmas gift for me because the shoes I had been wearing for work for an entire year were a pair of dirty tie dye rainbow crocs that were WAY to big for me (I’m an 8, they were a 12) and she found super ugly. But they were given to me for free so I planned to wear them till I couldn’t anymore. I’m pretty sure she burned them in a fire pit that summer, haha.

My brother’s ex bought me a pair of crocs this Christmas in my favorite color. I never got to ask her if they were a replacement. (She also bought me another pair of crocs that were ppg themed. Guys, I am not even a fan of crocs. I don’t know how I’ve had so many pairs in such little time. But they just keep coming, haha!) These do fit me and I am actually happy to let these be destroyed by my job because she broke my brother’s heart.

Today I put charms on the pair I got for Christmas and planned to finally throw out the old pair. I thought maybe I could cut a square out of the inside (where you could see the pretty blue design my mom picked out) and keep it on my desk. But as soon as I picked the old pair up I stared bawling.

I don’t know if I just think she’d be angry at me. She didn’t have a history of calling me wasteful or anything, in fact she and my brother would tell me about how crazy I was driving them by holding onto things. But this is different. She picked these crocs out especially for me, and they have a fun story that go with them. And those Nike shoes were picked out by her for my brother, and she laced them up for him. The laces aren’t even the original ones, they’re from an old pair of hers. I feel like if I throw these pairs of shoes away, I’m throwing her away. I’m throwing away the memories and the love she had for us. And I know it’s stupid, like the Nikes can’t even be saved at this point I was basically walking on the concrete. At least with the crocs I can justify and say that my job will destroy anything new I bring in anyways. Why not wear them till they’re unusable?

Any change after she died has felt like the end of the world, no matter how small they were. I feel like I’ve spent every hour since that day screaming, sobbing, begging, and clawing at the ground in attempt to stay where she is. But while I can’t stop time from passing or my brother needing to sell the last car of his she ever sat it, I could at least keep these shoes.

I don’t know. I may delete this. I’m running late right now, and I almost don’t care because of these stupid shoes.