Struggling to replace behaviors

I’ve posted here before about some of the roots of my SA and the attempts I’ve made to deescalate but I wanted to ask for advice about an element of the struggle that dovetails with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(diagnosed).

I struggle with extreme anxiety and PTSD when I’m by myself and have used endlessly scrolling or tabbing out pornography as a coping mechanism since childhood. I was sexually coerced by an older man after I finished uni and my habit became all consuming. I’ve managed to build a good life with a loving partner and strong friendships but I often find myself locked in this doomscroll of archiving porn.

It takes up so much time that I am in a constant state of fear because I am literally watching the clock turn and cannot stop looking at and categorizing porn. Ive found ways to work it in any time I’m alone and it’s become a pacifier for the stress I feel from my job which is very demanding and requires high levels of preparation and anxiety.

I’ve been told that I’m very talented but “lazy” when in reality I would give anything to not feel such deep dread and be able to channel it into something productive. My partner is a therapist and I know my marriage is doomed if I can’t find a way to reroute that energy -not because she doesn’t care, but because her standards are high and she’s acutely aware of what I need to do to change. I relapse often enough that I can’t tell her that repeatedly because I know it will cause undue harm. I don’t cheat (I used to pay camgirls which is essentially the same in effect) and I love my partner. Porn feels like this other category and like it’s almost part of me and I hate that

It’s become my cure all. Depressed - porn, anxious - porn, in physical pain - porn, low self esteem - porn. I know that it ultimately doesn’t help with these things but I feel like nothing else offers that immediate numbness and I can feel my life slipping away from me. I don’t want to be some powerful person but I see my friends who manage their time and are so successful and feel so much shame. I just want to feel like my decisions at least in part can steer my life instead of constantly trying to avoid crashing.

I know this was meandering but I have like 300 tabs open on incognito and I’m struggling to close them and do what I need to - study for an exam and prepare for a new job.

Thanks 🙏🏾