The lies I tell myself to keep smoking weed (Day 8)

I am now on Day 8 now and the worst of the withdrawal has passed. I wanted to share this success and little revelation with someone: I have to constantly lie to myself to keep smoking weed.
-Weed doesn’t make me much more tired than I already am: I’m another level less tired. I still am fatigued, and it fluctuates, but the weekend before I quit, I observed myself: I had woken up at 10 AM, went to the flea market, and by 1 PM I was yawning and so fatigued that I had to go home and nap for hours. Even though I’m still tired, I am not overcome with exhaustion on the same level. I don’t feel fatigued to my bones. 
-Weed doesn’t affect my functioning when I’m not high: One of the biggest lies I tell myself. In my job, there is a built-in pipeline to promote. There are other options (basically switching departments), but the department that I chose and had hoped to move up in became impossible for me. I declared it was due to my social anxiety and completely out of my control and have given up on the pipeline and am instead fighting to get promoted into another department. Getting off weed has cleared up my mind to the point that I think within another couple weeks, I might be able to go into this consultation position.
-I won’t do anything else with my time anyways/all my time is spent working: I felt like 40 hours a week took up my entire life. How does anyone feel fulfilled working a full time job? Suddenly, I have time. I want to fill up my time with friends, going out on my own, spending time with my cats. And the times when I do just the same thing, watching youtube and playing stardew valley, I can feel a sense of relief. I don’t have to worry about the money wasted and how leashed I feel to this drug. Besides that, I’ve already gone on a trail for the first time in ages, one of my favorite hobbies, and went to a park I’d not visited before. I took pictures again, something I lost interest in, but I used to love so much. (Shout out to a little bumble bee who let me get so close to him!)
-I’m high functioning: When I compare myself to my peers, I find I am higher functioning than most. I have a career, I have my own apartment, I receive no financial help from anyone. I keep my place clean and I even cook, bake, and engage in my hobbies when I’m not going through a period of depression. Yet this doesn’t stop weed from affecting me. It makes it so much harder to do any of these things. It takes up all my time. I am socially inept. I save, but all my “fun” money goes to weed. What’s the point in doing these things when I can have a good time just smoking? 
-It’s not that bad for my body: TMI warning - Smoking weed has given me chronic diarrhea. I had an appointment scheduled with a GI because it’s become so unlivable. My PCP asked me to quit for a month just so we could eliminate all variables. He said it’s usually only edibles that will cause this issue. Imagine my shock when one week in and it’s almost completely cleared up. 
-It’s fun: Once in a rare while is it noticeably fun. I’m almost always just reaching a baseline normal. When my tolerance is low enough, it can be fun, but then I just end up playing video games and I don’t even notice the high. Other times, I just feel anxious. There is no way as a long term smoker to consistently or even frequently have fun. 
-It manages my emotions: Despite smoking for 12 years, it hasn’t taught me to actually manage my emotions. If it did, I would have a grasp on how to process things, I wouldn’t be flung into a state that “requires” me to smoke. I use withdrawal as proof that the weed helps dull the pain of BPD, but it’s just refusing to quit because the first couple days are rough. 
-Weed doesn’t affect my relationships: My friend point-blank stated that it does affect our friendship. It also makes me cancel and lie. “I can’t hang out because I got sick” is really I got high and so tired I can’t do a single thing. Another friend once told me gently it made hanging out different, but I pretended like it wasn’t true. My other stoner friends disagreed, after all. 
-I act the same on weed as I do sober: My friend showed me a movie the other night. I was totally sober, gasping, laughing, commenting (they’d already seen it, so acceptable behavior). It was so strange to think of all my hangouts quietly, dumbly watching shows that I loved, but never deeply feeling the feelings it would have otherwise brought up. 
-I’m not really an addict because I am managing well financially: I can get weed very cheaply now, and I put money away in savings, but it makes it so I can never splurge. I cannot even imagine how much money I have spent in my life on weed. Even if I don’t save the money I don’t spend on weed, I don’t feel this gross, self-disgusted guilt for spending it on something I would actually be able to cherish. 

I know this is a bit of a ramble, but it’s something for me to come back to later. Also shout out to my SMART Recovery handbook. It’s made this transition 1000% easier. I’m also practicing gratitude, self-love, and DBT.