Ranting because I'm very sad (TW: Suicide)

TW: suicide mention

This is going to be very confusing and probably sounds like immature whining. I don't really have anyone else to tell this to.

My best friend is moving to texas. I didn't even have the decency to eat lunch with him on his last day. After everything we'd done for each other, I was still so scared that he'd get bored of me. I'm never going to make that same mistake again, but also jesus fuck me. He said he looked up to me and I did to. I don't want to seem like an asshole, I did do some stuff for him on his last day. But I'm not a great guy. I'm a very scared guy. And I miss him so much. I'm not looking forward to going back to school without him. Without a person who looked forward to seeing me. If I died, I know for a fact nothing at this school would change. I also let go of a (very bad) person who I used to vent to, so I can't tell him any of this. Sometimes I question whether or not blocking him was a good thing, but he used to go on long rants about shooting up republican schools (yes, the kind w kids inside) and committing a republican genocide so I think I was in the right there :) regardless of what you think of that party, he outright said he didn't care about the babies and that they'd 'grow up to be monsters anyway'. Interesting guy, that fella.

I wish I could live in the woods in a cabin I built and not have to worry about friends or the things I never got as a kid. I wish my father was a real father to me and was there for me and taught me things so I didn't feel so emasculated all the time. I hope I'm a better father to my son, but since I got my dad's autism, I'm terrified. I don't want the condition that was part of the reason I wasn't raised right to hurt my kid, boy or girl. I hope I can find love. I've always had trouble with people and don't trust them because of it. I met some great women early this year who actually made me feel normal, but once I started being scared and anxious and not funny, they didn't seem to enjoy my company. I'm not saying all women are like this, a lot of people have left me for the same reason. Since this is reddit, you'd think I was a incel or chud. I don't think I am and I hope I'm not. I like gaming and reading and have a really messed up past where I wasn't a great person at points, but I've really learned to be open to all different kinds of people. It's weird. I like people, but they either don't like me or I'm too scared to talk to them further in case they don't like me. Especially in school. Literally ever other extracuricular I had was fucking awesome and I met so many people I enjoyed talking with. Not everyone, but a good amount! I go to a very small school where everyone is very divided, and I don't seem to fit into any box. I've only had people like me from one clique rather than the whole clique. It's awful. The isolation makes me feel like nothing and, especially in my grade, nobody seems to vibe with me. I don't know what I did wrong. I was really weird in middle school, but I've changed a lot. I'm transgender, but I'm not exactly into the LGBTQ community, not that there's anything wrong w that. I'm just kinda a regular guy who prefers to be called that, just a guy (i usually only bring up trans stuff with people close to me, tried doing it with the aforementioned girls and now want to kill myself), but more power to you for telling your story. I keep blaming myself for being so bizarre and have even thought that I deserved death for how much I didn't belong in this school (I've attempted before), and sometimes I think it's not true and I just haven't been to a different club or event in a while, but it's really hard not to believe when I'm in school so much. The worst part is I'm fucking 17. People at this age shouldn't have these social issues, and yet, I'm so fucked up that I don't know who to trust and havent understood people since literally fucking kindergarten. I remember a lot from my early years, and it's really depressing just how sad my life was. It's so annoying too because I'm a straight white male from a comfortable family (definitely not rich, but definitely not poor). The only problem is my fuckass personality. It sounds miniscule, but it's really ruined my life. Anyway, I want to take a gap year because I'm not sure if I want to go to film school. My parents are against it and I haven't told them my full plan. In general, it's a horrible idea, but my brother supports it since people he's worked with in college who took that route were generally more responsible since they were working for a long period of time, which is what I plan to do. I could also possibly transfer credits from my local community college, meaning I'd be doing less courses later on. Hell yeah! I don't know if I want to go through with this plan, since it's very hard to get financial aid when taking a gap year and my parents NEED that, but I'm just so terrified that film isn't the career for me. I tried going to the Internet about it, but the only comment I got was a guy calling me immature :D I'm not sure whether to be mad or be a doormat and say he's right. I know I'm immature, but some advice wouldve been nice. Idk. I'm very scared for the future. I miss my friend. I hope he gets a m16 and does unspeakable things to the dallas cowboys like he's always dreamed of doing. No hate, he just DESPISES the cowboys. :)