i still work with my ex and i feel like i’m losing my mind trying to move on

hellloooo. so, me (23) and my ex (22) have been working together at the same job for about three years now. we were together for four years, and this relationship was my first everything. first kiss, first love, first real relationship, first everything, if you catch my drift.

we broke up back in september, and obviously things have been weird and distant since then. for a while, we had this phase where we’d still see each other some nights, but that eventually stopped because i started catching feelings again. i got to a point where i was hoping maybe we could try again, but they weren’t on the same page at all. and honestly, that’s valid. it hurt, but i understood it and respected the boundary they set.

the frustrating part is that after they made that boundary, they would still occasionally drunk text me saying they needed me, asking me to spend the night, things like that. this went on every so often for the past few months. and even though part of me wanted to go, i kept saying no because i was trying to respect the boundary they made, even if they weren’t fully respecting it in those moments.

lately, those texts have become less frequent, and we haven’t really been talking at all. i’ve realized that i’m usually the one putting in the effort to talk to them. when i stopped reaching out, they didn’t really make any effort either. that was painful to realize, but i also know it puts me in a really unhealthy position emotionally.

it also makes friend hangouts awkward because we share the same friend group, and a lot of those friends also work with us. when we’re all together, my ex tends to avoid me like the plague, which just makes everything feel even worse and more uncomfortable
____

that brings me to today. it was me, my ex, and one of our mutual friends outside on break at work. i was telling them about a horror movie i had just seen and saying they should watch it. my friend said he had already seen it and liked it. my ex said they hadn’t seen it yet and hadn’t really had the time, or didn’t want to watch it alone, which i get because it’s a horror movie.

and then my friend goes, “well, why don’t you watch it with that (name) guy?”

my ex started acting coy about it, and i immediately felt awful. my eyes darted to my friend and then to my ex, and i just felt my stomach drop.

i know we’re broken up. i know they’re allowed to talk to other people. i know i don’t have any right to be upset about it. but the thought of them talking to someone else really hurts. there was a time when they were my number one person, and i genuinely thought i might propose one day.

and the thing is, since the breakup, i’ve also been noticing more and more flaws. i can see more clearly why maybe we weren’t good for each other, and why moving on is probably the healthiest thing for both of us. logically, i know that.

but emotionally, there’s this part of me that just cannot let go. seeing them every day at work makes it so much harder. i feel like i’m constantly being forced to reopen the wound before it even has a chance to heal.

i’ve also been getting high every day because of it, and that makes me feel even worse about myself. i know it’s not helping. i know i’m using it to avoid sitting with how bad i feel. but i just feel stuck, embarrassed, and honestly kind of pathetic for still being this affected by someone who clearly isn’t choosing me anymore. idk i just feel like a chud

idk why i’m posting this instead of telling anyone its bothering me i just wrote this in my notes app and wanted to post but i hope u enjoyed the read