Birth control

Hi everybody, for context, I’m a mom of five and I have just had baby number five. I love being Catholic. I do my prayers. I learn the history and catechized and I’m always looking for a room to grow in my faith. Gonna be blunt, I just began birth control. Yes I understand. The church is teachings of it, if I’m being honest, my intention is not to have sex. I’m only five weeks postpartum, but here’s my concern. My husband has been very hands-on. I expressed to him that we need to be affectionate and ways that don’t lead to having sex. He acknowledges that, but he’s very weak with his flesh.

We haven’t done anything, but I reiterate that I am on birth control as a deterrent and with shame, to protect myself if there is ever a moment of weakness. I’m not open to life hence why I’m going to the extreme to protect myself. I have pre-cervical cancer I have been in this battle since 2019. I primarily use it as protection and a reminder that if I should have get pregnant, I’ll for sure go into full blown cancer because I get pregnant so easy and pregnancy is a sure way to prevent myself from obtaining life saving treatment. I don’t know the status of the cells or if I’m full cancer yet, but we also live below the poverty line and I’m so mentally drained I can barely smile these days. Drowning in bills that we can hardly afford and barely get our necessities. Another child would certainly sink the ship fully. I try to pray and not think about our current situation, as I reflect on the verses provided in Matthew 6:25-34 and my husband tries to improve his income & employment.

I’m so exhausted, I’m going through so many things including postpartum depression (especially since my milk supply plummeted to the point to where I need to supplement), and I purse my lip about our situation to my husband because I’m sure he’s aware and he can’t fix our situation in the snap of a finger with power from my nagging. However I feel like he is going to be persistent and we will fail restraint. Aside from this my husband is amazing but his desires are very obvious. I feel horrible, and I love him but in our situation I’m super closed to life and he is really not restraining that fleshly desire. I can only say no so much. I’m physically drained but I’m still very attracted to my husband but one can also argue I’m heavily on an oxytocin and endorphin search and super touch deprived and he only touches me to get me to want to be intimate… Combine that with his consistent pursuit… I just need you guys to pray for me. Really bad.

Ps, sorry for the lack of grammar and odd/incorrect use of words. I’m incredibly sleep deprived, postpartum depression has my mind empty, and I’m just trying to throw what I need to on this post.