Detransitioners and the complexity of gender

Sooo... I'm afab and kinda always knew that somethingg isn't quite right with my gender. Bit my egg really cracked recently, I guess, so I'm considering transition.

The 'problem' is that I somehow come across the detrans sub pretty often and it doesn't help with my confusions. I'm a very anxious person who has tends to second guessing themselfs a lot.

People there seem really sad and hopeless if I want to be honest. Sometimes they say really nihilistic or radical things that I don't agree with but I also see the nuance, that's why a I came here to discuss this.

I want everyone to live their happiest life possible, if this means transition then as trans, if this means detransition then as detrans, if this means simply living as cis their whole life then as cis. It's also okay to question. But I'm really afraid I'll detransition even now before I started my transition! I have a friend who made me aware how hard and nuanced transition is and that it can cost you a lot. (Not just financially...)

I don't wanna regret transition but I can never be sure if I will. Honestly, I'm almost certain that I would really regret if I didn't do it. I want to be me. I'm daydreaming about getting top surgery pretty often. But there are people out there who regret theirs! And that's terrifying. I don't want to be one of them... My chest gives me a lot of dysphoria, but what if I would miss it? It never felt mine but I'm still afraid.

Sometimes I ask myself: what if I'm really just cis? But deep down I fell that this isn't true. I just know it. I'm not just a fan of trans people, I'm one of them. Gender has a lot of performance in it but can be a really big part of your identity. And I feel like my identity isn't a cis girls if that makes sense... I hope I'm right.