I (27F) am terrified I will never be able to be myself around a romantic partner

When I was 15, I started dating my high school boyfriend. We were childhood friends and being with him felt very natural. At first, he was wonderful, and I was even hesitant to let myself be vulnerable, but he really won me over. After a year or so, he wanted to have sex with me and I was really nervous, mostly because I was young and was afraid of it hurting and/or getting pregnant. Instead of being understanding, he was violent with me and then left me, stating that I was "not sexual enough" for him. He immediately began dating someone else who he'd been seeing while with me, and this crushed me. I blamed myself for everything, and was miserable until I graduated a few months later.

I went off to college soon after, and was terrified of male attention. Not outwardly, but I was now even more scared of what men thought of me and my body. I kind of felt like my sexuality wasn't my own; I wanted to feel what that was like, but I also wanted to feel safe. I was embarrassed that someone I loved so much thought of me as "not sexual enough" and would get more nervous around men than ever before. I was a quiet, studious college student who worked at a restaurant and didn't really party because I didn't have fun where people were drinking heavily. Needless to say, I ended up with a lot of healthy friendships, many of which I still have today.

Still, I was ashamed of my sexual inexperience and both longed for it and was afraid I would disappoint someone I cared about again. It made me feel anxious, and I pretended like I didn't think about it for a long time, never telling my friends and acting like I knew exactly what it was like to have sex with a man I was interested in.

My final year was the height of the pandemic. I was living with two friends who were sexually experienced and they encouraged me to get on a dating app just for fun. I'd never been on one, but it was fun and I went on a (socially responsible) few dates. After a couple, I matched with a guy I had seen around campus who I had developed a crush on from afar. We went on a date and hit it off.

*for the sake of brevity, I'm not going to go into the details of me/him*

I discovered that, in addition to being very attractive, I felt like I could have a deep conversation with this man, we had really similar interests, and I felt, well, *real feelings* that I hadn't felt in years for someone. It was easy to just date each other, since we didn't want to have contact with other people. I decided that I wanted to have sex with him, and we did. After a few months, I wanted to make it official and for whatever reason, he said he didn't want to, and we parted ways and graduated, moving to the same city separately, me for law school and him for a job.

After him, I had a bunch of unfulfilling one night stands and situationships, just hurting from losing what I thought was the start of deep love. Fast forward five years from us moving, and he see each other again. He confesses that he's been thinking of me all this time, and wants to make me happy, everywhere. We go on to date for a few months, meeting each others friends and family. While on a trip together, I mentioned something about how he was my "favorite" and I missed him for years. I had taken an edible and was saying something like "I went home with this guy years ago, and I remember just wanting it to be you so badly." (I understand maybe this wasn't the best thing to say, I still feel bad about saying it).

He then got upset and said "I hate when you talk about other men you've been with. It makes me question your ability to make good decisions and makes me hesitant to commit to you." This hit me like a gut punch. Years ago, I wasn't sexual enough, and now consensual sex I had years ago is a reason for a man to question my character. I felt defeated, like nothing I did could ever be enough.

Shortly after this, we broke up because he "just didn't know" if I was the one.

I feel gutted. Not just by this fling, but more so by the way my sexuality is constantly weaponized against me. Men I've been with constantly want to have sex with me, yet shame me when I have done it with others before them or even if I "give it up too soon." I haven't had sex in over a year because I am so traumatized. I want to again, but I am afraid of being judged by the men I date (which is antithetical to the feminist way of life I choose to live by). I understand that maybe sharing that was not the best thing to do, but it's not like he didn't tell me about other girls he'd slept with.

Just wanted to get this off my chest.