ended things with my manipulative bf of 3 years, why do I miss him?

I broke up with him today after months of planning and worrying. We were together for some of the most formative years of anyone’s life, integrating music tastes and families, as well as us both loving eachother a lot to start. during the relationship i went through experiences with him that i later found out to be coerced sexual assault through emotional manipulation, making me disgusted by him and immediately wanting out whilst he saw me as his everything. i never felt comfortable to bring up any issues with the relationship due to his behaviour (mainly withdrawal).

But today, he genuinely seemed like he had no idea or intention of doing that to me - and apologetic as hell. i just feel like i’ve lost a major amount of love toward me I should’ve been grateful for and tried to fix, regardless of what happened.

I just went to listen to some music and realised how much we influenced eachother, cried my eyes out. Is this normal? I feel like I should hate him but seeing him so upset during the breakup wasn’t something I was prepared for.