I'm thinking maybe my mother never loved me. Not sure about my brother either. Feeling lost.

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Guys, this is a bit of venting, until I can go book in with a therapist.

I was rejected by my mother from babyhood. I have trouble remembering any positive moments or gestures of love from her as a little girl, but can remember lots of negative ones. As a child and tween, I was astonished how lovely, loving and kind the mothers of my school friends were.

Eg I remember crying at a friend's place, because I spilled a smidge of sauce on my new top. My friend's mum laughed and showed me how easy it was to fix in seconds with a bit of Wondersoap. I was astonished. The fury and blame that was usually heaped on me if my Mum saw a stain! She would throw it away claiming it was unsaveable and complain bitterly that it wasn't worth buying me anything, because I wrecked clothes.

After excitedly telling Mum about this magic soap, I was shocked speechless that Mum knew about it and even showed me where she kept it under the sink.

I only ever got new clothes when visiting new people, most of the time I wore my brother's or Mum's old rags, adjusted to my size.

I know my Dad loved me. He took great care to make sure I had self worth and confidence and did his best to get me and my brother to bond.

He tried to reverse the damage that my Mum caused by loving my brother too much, and me too little. She didn't accept me and encouraged my brother to reject me too.

My Mum used to punish me when my Dad showed me any positive attention. She normalised it so much, that once she actually did it in front of Dad - screamed at me, ordered me to my room after he gave me a cuddle when he got home.

She tried to make up a reason, but he knew and she knew that she was busted. From that moment he stepped up in a big way and actively took on parenting when he was home. Difficult given he worked late shifts to support the family.

Dad saw I was a sad child and took steps to redress it. I remember he even tried hypnosis to help me be unbreakable and emotionally strong. He didn't know that Mum, an SAHM, excluded me when he wasn't there and only played with my brother. But he saw that my brother was overfed and I was underfed, that he was taking my pocket money and taunting me with things my Mum said.

He saw that Mum only got angry at me and she would take my brother's side always. Anything wrong was my fault and she would fly into a rage. If my brother got caught red handed, then it was funny.

Ofc as I got older I would advocate for fairness and take her up on any injustice, which she found quite annoying.